Should a Boy Be Able to Use His Bar Mitzvah Gift Money as He Pleases?
Question: When boys receive money as gifts upon their Bar Mitzvah, to whom should the money go? It seems to me the money should either go to a savings account available later for educational purposes or such, or go to the parents who covered Bar Mitzvah expenses like the kiddush or party. At the very least, the money should be part of a money management plan to educate the 13-year-old, rather than being spent impulsively on immature desires. What do you say to a boy who insists, “It is my money to do as I please”? • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More
By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish Magazine
Question: When boys receive money as gifts upon their Bar Mitzvah, to whom should the money go? It seems to me the money should either go to a savings account available later for educational purposes or such, or go to the parents who covered Bar Mitzvah expenses like the kiddush or party. At the very least, the money should be part of a money management plan to educate the 13-year-old, rather than being spent impulsively on immature desires. What do you say to a boy who insists, “It is my money to do as I please”?
Answer: There is no single, universal rule regarding what should be done with money given as Bar Mitzvah gifts. Much depends on family dynamics, financial circumstances, factors unique to each family and the values each family wishes to instill. After consulting several Rabbis and experienced parents involved in education, the following ideas can offer helpful direction.
Dividing the Money: Balance and Education
A practical and balanced approach is to divide the money into parts:
- A personal portion can be given to the boy for discretionary spending. After all, children should be allowed to experience some joy and independence in managing their own money.
- A savings portion can be set aside for the future—ideally earmarked for educational purposes such as tuition, books, or other learning opportunities.
- A portion dedicated to kedusha (holiness) might be used, in consultation with the parents, for items such as books, a shofar, a menorah, or even funding a supervised trip to a significant Jewish site.
Introducing Tzedakah: Giving Back
The Bar Mitzvah gift money also presents a valuable opportunity to teach the mitzvah of maaser (giving tzedakah) and the beauty of the Torah’s teachings, in addition to the values of generosity and responsibility.
Should the Money Help Cover Bar Mitzvah Expenses?
Opinions vary about whether the money should help pay for the Bar Mitzvah party or other event expenses:
- Some feel that the child’s gifts should remain theirs and not be used to cover costs the parents have already borne.
- Others believe that, depending on the family’s financial situation, it may be appropriate for the boy to contribute a portion—sometimes up to 50%—toward these expenses.
Rabbi Namdar, Head Shliach of Sweden, advises aiming for balance—a situation where no one feels neglected and everyone feels happy. Using the Chassidic concept of “lights in vessels,” this means carefully managing financial and emotional needs so that all family members feel valued and heard. Since every family’s circumstances are unique, it’s crucial that these decisions are made thoughtfully and agreed upon clearly before the Bar Mitzvah.
Addressing “It’s My Money to Do as I Please”
When a 13-year-old speaks in such a manner to his parents, this often signals a deeper issue beyond money management. It’s important to approach this sensitively:
- Avoid confrontation or negativity, as this can lead to further resistance.
- Instead, acknowledge the boy’s feelings: “Yes, this money was given to you in honor of your Bar Mitzvah, and as your parents, we are here to support and guide you.”
- Create an open dialogue about spending choices where the child feels heard and respected.
- When parents remain emotionally regulated, confident, and secure, their guidance is more likely to be accepted.
This moment can become a foundational lesson in responsibility, respect, and healthy communication.
Summary
Ultimately, Bar Mitzvah gift money is not just about finances; it is a meaningful tool for teaching values such as responsibility, tzedakah, gratitude, generosity and financial literacy. Every family should tailor their approach based on their unique situation, with openness, honesty, respect and understanding guiding the process.
Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.
For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]
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