Several Keys to Being a Good Husband
I am 23 years old and am getting married soon. What is be best advice you can give to me to be a good husband for my wife? • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More, Video
Question:
I am 23 years old and am getting married soon. What is be best advice you can give to me to be a good husband for my wife?
Answer:
You are heading in the right direction. Asking how to be a good husband shows you focus on giving, not receiving. This is the foundation of a successful marriage: not what you get, but what you give.
Put your wife and the marriage first. Life will be full of demands that feel urgent. Nevertheless, always make time for your wife — not just in words, but in action. Initiate time together. Let her feel, consistently, that she is your top priority. Give to your wife and your marriage, not out of obligation or for what you hope to receive in return, but because you genuinely want what is best for your wife and the marriage. Foster joy in giving.
Be truly present. Put your phone away. Be genuinely interested in what she shares. Even if a topic wouldn’t normally interest you, it matters because she matters to you.
Listen to understand, not to fix. When she shares feelings or struggles, don’t minimize them or jump to solutions. She wants to share and be heard. Brushing them aside makes her feel alone. Empathic phrases like, “that must have been so painful” or “I’m sorry you went through that” show you are truly with her.
Don’t be defensive. When she raises something difficult about you or the marriage, don’t rush to defend yourself. Listen. Understand her perspective — it’s not about who is right or wrong, but about accepting that there is also another valid view. Show emotional flexibility and a willingness to grow and adapt.
Accept her as she is. Don’t try to change her. People open up, connect, and give most freely when they feel truly accepted and loved as they are — not as a project to be improved. Acceptance is not passive; it is one of the most active and powerful gifts you can give.
Let her make the home hers. She is the ikeret habayit — the heart and foundation of the home. Let her decorate it as she wishes, so she feels comfortable, respected and at home.
The more she feels loved, appreciated and prioritized, the more secure she will be — and the more she will naturally give back. A thriving marriage requires: sur mera v’aseh tov — remove what harms and actively build what’s good. Marriage invites us to leave our own Mitzrayim—our limits, ego and self-centeredness—and, in doing so, reveal the inherent unity we share with our spouse.
Aharon Schmidt is a relationship coach specializing in marriage and shidduchim, drawing on years of experience to guide couples and individuals toward fulfilling relationships. For more information: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
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excellent, add one more very important point: Take care of yourself! It is part of being a good husband to take care of yourself. He will need time with friends, exercise, and some form of hobby (learning Torah could be one). One thing a husband should not do is make his wife the absolute center of his universe. He has to maintain himself as a man, albeit devoted to his wife, but he needs a life outside of hers. After a while women get disenchanted by a man who showers her with too much attention and does not stand up for himself. That keeps the magic going.