Raising Children When Parents Disagree
Question: My wife and I have a hard time agreeing on the best approach to raising our children. It feels like we always disagree, and these differences easily turn into conflict. For example, I want our children to attend a more religious school, while she prefers a less religious one. I think the kids can stay up later at night, while she wants them to go to bed earlier. We simply don’t see eye to eye, and that can be very frustrating. What can we do? • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More
Question: My wife and I have a hard time agreeing on the best approach to raising our children. It feels like we always disagree, and these differences easily turn into conflict. For example, I want our children to attend a more religious school, while she prefers a less religious one. I think the kids can stay up later at night, while she wants them to go to bed earlier. We simply don’t see eye to eye, and that can be very frustrating. What can we do?
Answer: This frustration is common when one spouse feels strongly they are right and wishes the other could just understand their perspective. A helpful first step is to avoid all-or-nothing thinking. This is a trap many couples fall into, and it usually intensifies the conflict. In reality, most couples agree on far more than they disagree. Rather than focusing only on points of disagreement, it is important to acknowledge the many areas where you do agree. Doing so can lower the emotional temperature and reduce inner frustration.
That said, disagreements still need to be addressed. The key is to understand what lies beneath them. Take the example of schooling. You want a more religious school, while your wife prefers a less religious one. Exploring the reasons behind each position often brings clarity and creative solutions. Perhaps your wife is concerned about extracurricular opportunities or academic breadth-secular studies. If so, after school programs or tutoring could help address those concerns.
The same applies to bedtime. Likely, both of you want your children to be healthy and rested. The disagreement may stem from personal needs, upbringing, or a desire for more family time in the evening. Once these concerns and motivations are understood, creative alternatives often emerge. However, as a general statement, in many homes, shalom bayit is strengthened when the mother is given room to manage the rhythms of the household and family, such as bedtime, mealtimes, etc.
In all these situations, the goal is to elevate the conversation from “my opinion versus yours” to “what best serves our marriage and family.” Sometimes that means compromise, sometimes creativity, and sometimes simply letting go. When the focus shifts from what divides us to what unites us, new energy enters the relationship—and things improve.
Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and experienced coach in marriage, shidduchim and personal issues. For more information about coaching services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]
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