From Stress to Serenity – Rethinking Sukkot Anxiety
Question: Sukkot is coming, and I can already feel my anxiety building. I get things done well ahead of time, which helps me stay calm. My husband is the opposite — he doesn’t make an organized plan, but instead gets things done at the very last minute, only when it absolutely has to be done • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More
By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish Magzaine
Question:
Sukkot is coming, and I can already feel my anxiety building. I get things done well ahead of time, which helps me stay calm. My husband is the opposite — he doesn’t make an organized plan, but instead gets things done at the very last minute, only when it absolutely has to be done.
If it doesn’t affect me, fine — I don’t need to think about it. But building the sukkah affects the whole family. Days go by, our backyard sits empty, and I grow more and more nervous. Every year, on erev Sukkot, he runs out to the yard with all his equipment and finishes the sukkah just two hours before sunset. Do I need to accept this year after year? It’s not good for my health.
Answer:
Your letter seems to present two options:
1 – He continues building the sukkah at the last minute, and your health suffers.
2 – He builds the sukkah earlier, and your well-being improves.
But is there a third option?
Anxiety is often connected to a lack of control. A person who needs to be in control feels anxious when that control is not in their hands. You’ve learned to manage situations early, which helps you curb anxiety. As you wrote, “I get things done well ahead of time, which helps me stay calm.” However, your husband’s approach threatens your sense of stability. Each glance into the empty yard raises your anxiety another notch.
Yet, it’s important to recognize that situations themselves don’t make us anxious — we make ourselves anxious. Feelings like anxiety, anger, or sadness are often the result of how we choose to react to a situation.
Although you might prefer that your husband complete the sukkah earlier, the reality is that he does finish it every single year before Sukkot. There’s little reason to believe he won’t do the same this year. Try to allow yourself to let go of the fear and place your trust in him. Believing in your husband will not only reduce your anxiety but can also strengthen your relationship and create a more harmonious marriage.
Another common cause of anxiety is the assumption that things will turn out badly. But when we examine the evidence, we usually see that things do, in fact, turn out fine. The more we trust in Hashem’s goodness and believe that things will work out well, the calmer we feel.
Rather than dreading the approach of Sukkot, try viewing this as an opportunity to approach the situation with trust and positivity. Let go of the need to control everything and have faith that things will work out. Perhaps this “third option” could mark the beginning of a new chapter — one with less anxiety and more peace.
Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling. For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]
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