Leaving Egypt: Transforming Anger Through Gentle Speech
Question: My husband and I both tend to yell when we get upset, and it feels like pouring gasoline on a fire—he yells, then I yell, or I yell and then he yells. Our kids also argue and yell a lot, and I’m sure it’s because of us. Both of us grew up in homes where yelling was common, so I guess we adopted it. Neither of us likes it, and we even joke about it sometimes. But we can’t seem to change. Do you have any tips? • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More
Question: My husband and I both tend to yell when we get upset, and it feels like pouring gasoline on a fire—he yells, then I yell, or I yell and then he yells. Our kids also argue and yell a lot, and I’m sure it’s because of us. Both of us grew up in homes where yelling was common, so I guess we adopted it. Neither of us likes it, and we even joke about it sometimes. But we can’t seem to change. Do you have any tips?
Answer: There is a Kabbalistic concept that “the beginning is wedged in the end, and the end is wedged in the beginning.” In other words, there is a deep connection between the highest and lowest levels.
Action is considered a lower level relative to thought and emotion. Yet, the right actions and speech can have a powerful, transformative effect on the higher levels of our consciousness and emotional life.
In recent Torah portions, we read about the Egyptian slavery. On the verse in Shemot (1:13), “in all their service, wherein they [the Egyptians] made them [the Jews] serve with rigor,” the Alter Rebbe explains that on a spiritual level this work refers to refining our middot (character traits), while also offering a practical method for doing so.
The work in Egypt required tremendous exertion for the Jews – not only because of the heaviness of the work, but because of the type of work. Work that was traditionally assigned to women, was given to the men. Although the work was lighter, the effort was more intensive, since the men were required to change their nature and habits.
The word for “rigor,” פרך, can be divided into פה רך—“soft speech.” The Alter Rebbe teaches that gentle speech diminishes anger, not only in others, but within ourselves as well.
Our decision to overcome our habitual response and speak softly even when angry, can refine the higher aspects of ourselves – our intellect and emotions. The beginning is wedged in the end.
Changing ingrained habits is real work, yet it is possible. As Chassidus teaches, we remember the Exodus every day because growth is ongoing. Each day is a gift, offering a new opportunity to leave old patterns, to leave our personal Egypt, and move toward our highest potential.
Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.
For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]
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But how do you to that?! We all know what we need to do, the question is how to go about making the change