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Question:
A while back you posted a question from a wife who complained that her husband speaks to her disrespectfully and dismissively. Her husband is a generous provider and has many good qualities, but she still feels very hurt and frustrated. My wife put your article on the table and said, “This is us!” I felt hurt, became defensive, and got upset. I do a lot of good for my wife, and she should acknowledge that I’m not perfect—no one is—and appreciate the good I do. Also, even if I wanted to change, I honestly don’t think I can.  She should accept me as I am.

Answer:
You are absolutely correct that, as a general principle, a husband and wife should accept one another, focus on the good, and avoid expecting perfection. No marriage can thrive if the standard is flawlessness.

However, acceptance does not mean that we let go of any expectation for growth. Acceptance means understanding that my spouse is a human being on a lifelong journey, with strengths and with areas that are still developing. It means recognizing that some traits may be smoother and others rougher—but that all of this is part of the normal process of life and is okay. And that process—life’s journey—is not meant to leave us where we are. Its purpose is to help us mature, refine ourselves, and become better people.

So yes, your wife should accept you and appreciate your many good qualities. But acceptance does not mean she must assume that things will never improve. It also does not mean that any of us get to say, “Accept me as I am; I can’t—or don’t want to—change.”

From what you describe, this particular issue seems to be painful for your wife, and she is hoping for change. It is true that her way of communicating it—placing the article in front of you and saying, “This is us!”—may not have been the most delicate approach. It makes sense that you felt stung by it. At the same time, part of the work of marriage is learning to listen past the imperfect delivery and trying to hear what our spouse is actually saying. Sometimes we need to move beyond our initial hurt and ask ourselves, “What is the real message here? What is my spouse longing for?”

Regarding your feeling that you can’t change, the Previous Rebbe writes:

“…even a person with negative tendencies, both innate and acquired through habit, which have developed in an unrestrained manner, possesses the ability and capacity not only to push them away and remove them from himself, but even to transform them from evil to good and from repulsive to beautiful, with the supernal power that the Holy One has invested within every single Jew in accordance with his needs…. The Holy One gives every individual the spiritual powers to overturn darkness into light and bitterness into sweetness through his service with the exertion of the body and soul.”  (Principles of Education and Guidance, ch. 4)

This is not to say that your traits are “repulsive” or “evil”—they aren’t. The point is that even deep-seated habits, even traits we have carried for years, even behaviors that feel impossible to budge—these, too, can be softened, adjusted, and reshaped. Hashem gives each of us the capacity to grow in exactly the areas that challenge us most.

Try replacing the thought “I can’t” with, “it may be hard, but I can.” If Hashem has placed this challenge in your life, it means He believes you have what it takes to face it. Change does not happen overnight, and it does not need to be dramatic. Even small steps matter. But the ability is there—Hashem made sure of it.

Your willingness to consider growth will itself bring light, hope, and new energy into your marriage.

Aharon Schmidt is the Editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.

For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com

To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]

To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

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