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We are now is the Aseres Yemei Teshuva of 5787, a time where we reflect on our thoughts, speech and action of the past year and try to fix and make amends for any misdeeds that we have done to others and work on forgiving the misdeeds that we feel were done to us. In this vein, I would like to share a short story that I experienced, that really opened my heart and eyes to be more sensitive and forgiving.

While I officially went into Chinuch at the age of 25 (after a year in Kollel), I was involved with teaching talmidim from the age of 18. Since the age of 18, I was a learning teacher – or learning director – in a Yeshivas kayitz that was catering for mesivta-age students.

[An interesting personal story connected to the above : When I got married, I was committed to move on Shlichus and open a Chabad House in a place where there was no current Chabad presence. After a year in Kollel, my wife and I checked out various small cities in America and were ready to commit to moving to a certain city.

When writing to the Rebbe for a Bracha, I received an answer (through the “Igros Kodesh”) in which the Rebbe is writing to someone that has been involved with American youth for a few years and was telling that person that he needs to stay in that field. As I was involved with Mesivta-age talmidim for so many summers, I knew that the Rebbe wanted me to be involved with Chinuch of Mesivta tallmidim. Boruch Hashem, it is our 21st year in Cincinnati.]

One summer, I was a learning director for an overseas program (I especially am not saying the year and location, so that the rest of the story has less-identifying information). As the learning director, I had to hire learning teachers and prepare the curriculum. In order to make it easier for the staff, I made myself a class (as the learning director with a little more authority) of some of the hardest students of that particular summer program.

From that small group, there was one boy in particular who was extremely difficult. He had some of the “stereotype” issues (very difficult family situation and upbringing as well as some learning challenges) and he really tested my patience and limits. I must say that I really was developing resentment towards this talmid.
While at the beginning, I used strength and punishments – and did not see such good results – I decided to change my approach and deal in a positive way. One day, I went out of my way and prepared him two slices of pizza – out of my own expense – and gave it to him with a smile. I told him that he should just enjoy it. He looked at me, and at the two slices on the plate, and proceeded to throw the plate on the floor in front of my eyes! I was standing there in total shock and blurted out that “it is very difficult to deal with you!”.

His instant reply changed my whole perspective of Chinuch: He looked me in the eyes and said the following: “I know (that it is difficult to deal with me), I deal with myself the whole day!”.

These words melted by heart and opened by mind and heart to a new reality: If we, the educators, are having a difficult time dealing with a difficult student – can you imagine what they themselves are dealing with? Is it a pity on us or on them?

We, as parents and educators, realize that every child wants to behave, be happy and succeed. That is natural and normal. If a child is acting out – and causing us some pain and anguish – it is so important to realize how painful it is for the child themself. This does not mean that there should be no boundaries, limits or consequences – on the contrary!, that is needed more so in such a case – but it should not come out of anger or frustration. There should be true empathy, mercy and care for what the child is going through.

The student knows and feels if you truly care about them in a personal way. They feel right away if the teacher wants structure and rules for the sake of his own feeling of being in charge or he feels that this is what the students need to be successful. When we learn to realize that behind most misbehaviours is a child in pain, we will be able to forgive and actually care for each child.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on the above with me by sending me a personal email:
[email protected]

Rabbi Gershon Avtzon
Rosh Yeshiva

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