Not Just Finding the Right One—Becoming the Right One
Question: I am 21 years old, and people have begun to contact my parents with marriage suggestions. My question is: how can I know if the girl I marry will be a good wife for me? What if things seem good while dating, but once we are married, she turns out to be very difficult and we don’t get along? • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More
By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish
Question: I am 21 years old, and people have begun to contact my parents with marriage suggestions. My question is: how can I know if the girl I marry will be a good wife for me? What if things seem good while dating, but once we are married, she turns out to be very difficult and we don’t get along?
Answer: This is an important and very real question—one that reflects emotional maturity and spiritual sensitivity. You’re not just asking how to find someone who makes you happy today, but how to build something that lasts. It’s a question not only about compatibility, but about commitment and inner readiness.
Marriage in Torah: A Reunion of Souls
In Torah terms, marriage is not merely a partnership—it’s a reunion. Before a soul descends into this world, it’s one whole. When it comes down, it’s split in two: a male and female component, each sent on their own unique journey. When a man and woman marry, they’re not just meeting for the first time—they are returning to one another. They are “bashert,” destined.
Due Diligence: The Practical Side of Choosing
But the question remains: how do you know? In life, before any major decision, there is due diligence—research. Similarly, before a shidduch, your parents and mentors can and should gather information. Speaking to friends, teachers, employers—these are tools to understand someone’s middos (character traits), their values, and patterns. In addition, look at how someone behaves toward others, not just their friends, but toward waiters, storekeepers, or someone they don’t need anything from. This can also provide insight into a person’s character traits.
Harmony Through Difference, Not Sameness
Yet, even with the best preparation, marriage is never a guarantee of perfect harmony. Why? Because marriage is not the union of sameness, it’s the harmony of difference.
As the Sages say, “Just as their faces are different, so too are their thoughts.” You are marrying someone with different parents, a different home, different reactions, different life experiences and a different emotional language. You may say A, and she hears B. You may seek space, while she seeks closeness. This isn’t “difficulty”—this is called being married.
The Parable of Two Flames: The Process of Fusion
There is a beautiful parable to highlight the above concept: when two flames are brought close, they may flicker and seem unstable—but eventually, they merge and become one bright, steady light. That flickering phase is not failure; it’s the process of fusion.
Marriage is the ultimate refining fire. A wife helps her husband grow into the person he is meant to be. When two different people live in close proximity, it’s inevitable that friction arises—but that friction is not a flaw. It is the very process through which the soul is polished.
The Role of the Husband
Chassidus teaches us that a man is the mashpia, the giver, and the woman is the mekabel, the receiver. But this isn’t about power, this is about responsibility. You are being given a sacred role: to be a source of support, presence, and strength for your wife. In the same way a flower turns toward the sun, your wife will blossom when she feels safe in your light—emotionally, spiritually, and practically.
At first, she may still look to her father or family for support. But over time, through consistent giving and emotional availability, she will come to see you as that pillar.
Why Is She So Difficult? Or—Why Am I Being Triggered?
You might find yourself thinking, “Why is she so difficult?” But Chassidus reframes the question entirely: “Why is this situation stirring something uncomfortable within you?” What you perceive as difficulty in your spouse may, in fact, be a mirror for something unresolved or unrefined inside yourself.
The Baal Shem Tov taught that what we see in another person—is a reflection of something within ourselves. If your spouse is doing something that irritates you or triggers you, it may not be about her at all. Instead, it might be Hashem’s way of gently (or not so gently) pointing you toward an inner place that needs attention—whether that’s impatience, control, insecurity, a fear of vulnerability, or a need to let go.
You Marry to Reflect Your Mission, Not Just Your Needs
This brings us to a deeper point: You are not marrying someone to reflect your needs—you are marrying someone to reflect your mission.
What does this mean?
Your needs are what make you comfortable. Your mission is what makes you great. Hashem did not send you into the world simply to be comfortable—He sent you here with a purpose, a task, a portion of creation only you can elevate. That mission is tied directly to your soul, your circumstances, and yes—your spouse.
Your Spouse Is a Partner in Your Destiny
Your wife is not just a partner in your life—she is a partner in your destiny. She will help you see things you would otherwise ignore. She will awaken parts of yourself that you didn’t know needed work. Her perspective will sharpen your clarity. And sometimes, her resistance will force you to slow down, listen more deeply, or surrender ego.
This is why Chassidus doesn’t view marital tension as a sign of failure, but as an invitation to rise. Your soul came to meet hers in this world—not to avoid difficulty, but to use it as a ladder. You are not two people looking for comfort—you are two souls chosen to help each other fulfill a higher calling.
Next Time You’re Triggered, Ask the Right Questions
So next time you find yourself triggered, pause and ask: What is Hashem showing me about myself through this moment? What can I learn? What part of me is being called to grow?
In doing so, your marriage becomes not only a source of companionship, but of profound personal transformation—and the ultimate tool for fulfilling your G-d-given mission.
In Summary: From Concern to Calling
And so, your concern—what if we don’t get along?—is the beginning of your growth. Marriage doesn’t start with perfection; it starts with acceptance, empathy, and a desire to give.
Ask her what she needs. Listen deeply. See the world through her eyes. Remember: she is not a stranger. She is the other half of your soul, hidden in another body. When you marry, that oneness will begin to reemerge—not instantly, but through kindness, patience, understanding and giving.
Hashem doesn’t give us just what we want; He gives us what we need to fulfill our life’s purpose. Your wife is a Divine gift. Not always easy, but always exactly what your soul requires.
Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.
To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]
For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
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