When Giving Isn’t About Getting – A Deeper Model of Giving in Marriage
I give a lot around the house—cleaning, washing dishes, doing laundry, taking care of the kids—but my wife rarely says thank you or acknowledges what I do. It makes me not want to help anymore. What should I do? • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More
Question: I give a lot around the house—cleaning, washing dishes, doing laundry, taking care of the kids—but my wife rarely says thank you or acknowledges what I do. It makes me not want to help anymore. What should I do?
Answer: The key is understanding why you’re giving in the first place. Are you doing these things because you want recognition and appreciation? Or are you doing them because they’re good for your marriage and family?
This relates to the concept of reward and punishment. The Rebbe Rashab, the fifth Rebbe of Chabad, teaches that serving G-d to receive reward or to avoid punishment represents a lower level of G-dly service. While it motivates us to do the right thing, we’re very much focused on ourselves—seeking reward or avoiding punishment—rather than truly serving G-d.
The same idea applies to marriage. When you do household tasks expecting a thank you, in a sense, you’re doing them for yourself—for what you’ll receive. This fosters separation rather than closeness, because it reinforces a “me versus you” dynamic instead of building the “us” that marriage should be about.
The healthier approach is giving for the sake of your marriage and your spouse, without depending on acknowledgment. When you shift your perspective, not only will you feel a deeper closeness and connection with your spouse, but you will also feel more fulfilled in your giving in that it will not be tied to a need for receiving and recognition.
Ironically, when you stop needing a “thank you”, your spouse may actually become more likely to express appreciation—but even if they don’t, you won’t need it. You’ll be free from that dependency.
Ideally, instead of two separate people keeping score, the aim is one united team, with both partners giving for the marriage itself. This creates a more wholesome, unified, and ultimately happier marriage.
This does not mean we want to eliminate appreciation (a spouse should show appreciation) but we don’t want to be dependent on it. This helps to create the environment where true marital harmony can flourish.
Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and coach specializing in marriage and individual issues.
For more information about coaching services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
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Dear aharon amazing point made. Yecheskel moses London.
i have found that doing too much backfires. It becomes expected and hence, unappreciated. There is a lot that i do for which I do not expect appreciation, but there is a sense of calmness that I have done certain tasks. And i do them regularly, still, in general I am helping out, not taking over. Just like when the wife works and brings in extra cash, she is helping out the family finances, not taking them over, even if she makes more than her husband. It is his responsibility to provide and whatever she contributes helps him out, and he needs to express appreciation for that.