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By Rabbi Gershon Avtzon, Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshivas Lubavitch Cincinnati

A few weeks ago (Parshas Vayeitzei), I wrote about the importance of fulfilling the Rebbe’s “bakasha nafshis” of having a personal Mashpia. I finished off the article by writing that I will be writing a follow up article on how each person should interact and show appreciation to their personal mashpia. As we are in the weeks before Yud Shevat, a time where the Rebbe strongly encourages each Chassid to speak with their Mashpia, it seems that this is an appropriate time to continue this conversation.

While the main focus of this particular article is to those which are talking with their Mashpiim, I would like to start with a message to the mashpia: It is a tremendous zechus that people turn to you, and express that trust in you, to give them the direction and encouragement that they need. Many people have a very difficult time asking someone to be their mashpia. If someone comes to you, push yourself (as much as you can) to try to make it work. It takes humility to ask someone else to be your mashpia and it comes with a fear of rejection. I know that many talmidim agonize and analyze for weeks over which person they should turn to. It makes a person vulnerable, and there is a good chance that if they are shown rejection, they might never turn to someone else.

With that being said, I would like to turn to the people which are approaching, discussing and using the time of a particular mashpia and begin by sharing a perspective and painting a certain picture (though it is self-understood that not all cases are the same):

A yungerman is hired as a mashpia in a particular Yeshiva and begins teaching his first class. From a class of 25, he develops a personal connection with ten talmidim. He spends time after/between the sedarim to speak and to help these talmidim. The next year, it repeats itself and now he has twenty talmidim that feel connected to him. As this pattern continues, the demand of his free time is becoming more and more.

Simultaneously, his family is baruch Hashem growing and so are his expenses. While the demand for his time and responsibilities at home with his children are getting bigger and bigger, two things are usually not getting bigger: His free time and his income (a whole separate discussion is needed on this…). The juggling act of balancing the time needed for his current talmidim, growing family, and all those old talmidim that keep asking for his guidance is tremendous.

A separate discussion is called for on how, if, and when someone should change his personal mashpia (for example: should a talmid in Yeshiva Gedolah be calling his Mashpia in mesivta or should he find a new one? Should a yungerman keep his mashpia from Yeshiva or find someone that deals more with married people and their needs and struggles?)

But here I’d like to focus on how to express our appreciation to our Mashpiim:

1) On a very basic level: Acknowledge the favor verbally by starting the conversation with acknowledgement that you are taking their time, and taking positive advantage of their expertise, expressing to them how much you value their time and what a difference it makes in your life.

2) Try not to wait for things to become an emergency in which you need guidance in the exact moment. Your mashpia is probably someone that has a schedule and commitments (professionally or family), and these “emergency phone calls” can be very unsettling and annoying (especially to the wife of the mashpia). Instead, anticipate what’s coming and schedule a time to talk that works with his schedule.

3) Keep your appointed time and come prepared. A mashpia that designates a time to speak with you is balancing the rest of his schedule to make that time for you. Basic decency and respect requires that you touch base at the designated time (and if you are going to be late or have to miss the appointment, communicate that ahead of time). Also, make an effort to keep the conversation focused and productive.

4) Consider giving financial compensation to your mashpia. In most cases, the mashpia will not ask for compensation, but that does not take away your responsibility to show that appreciation. I imagine that you would not expect a life-coach, physical therapist or a personal trainer to spend time with you for free. You understand that they have a profession and a family to support. Why should a personal mashpia be any different?

To be clear: I am not expressing an opinion on the subject if a mashpia should officially charge and bill for their time (I actually would love to hear your honest thoughts on that question), rather the proper perspective that a person should have when using someone’s time.

[While this aforementioned point technically doesn’t apply to a mashpia of your sons class, as this is his official job to be a mashpia of the class and is included in your tuition payments, I would highly recommend that if you see that a particular mashpia connects with your son in Yeshiva, show him your appreciation by sending him a generous gift (by your means). This can prove to be a life-saver for a talmid.]

There is much more to write and discuss, and iy”H we will try to revisit this important topic in the future.

Please feel free to share your thoughts on the above with me by sending me a personal email: [email protected]

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