Op-Ed: Bullying Happens in Gray
As a Chassidishe educator who has worked with children in school, I’ve seen firsthand how subtle bullying can go unnoticed • Full Article
By a survivor of bullying who teaches in a Chabad school
Following the discussion in my recent article about the hidden nature of bullying, I felt it important to explore another real case that brings the issue into even sharper focus.
A father recently shared an incident from a Chabad school that illustrates a type of bullying teachers often find hard to address. Not because they aren’t attentive, but because this form of bullying is subtle, often happening quietly during recess, breaks, or other moments when teachers are nearby but cannot watch every interaction. These small, nuanced moments can easily go unnoticed, even by the most dedicated Mechanech.
In this case, a boy decided to exclude another child from friendships. This wasn’t physical aggression or name-calling. It was social bullying—a slow, almost invisible form of exclusion that erodes a child’s social connections without leaving a single obvious moment to call out.
Whenever the innocent boy began a conversation with another student, the bully would walk over and, with his naturally charming tone, start speaking to the same child—effectively cutting the victim out. His voice drew people in, and the neglected boy found himself suddenly alone.
During playtime or group activities, the bully would speak loudly over the victim whenever the boy tried to contribute. He ignored him, turned away, and used subtle social cues to block him out. The child was being robbed of friendships by someone who knew exactly how to dominate a social space while appearing completely innocent.
The hardest part? It was nearly impossible to gather concrete evidence. The bully could innocently say, “What did I do wrong? I was only talking.” And technically, he wasn’t breaking any obvious “rule.” This left the school struggling to figure out how to respond.
From experience, about 70% of bullying happens in gray areas. These are situations where children can deny wrongdoing or make excuses to the teacher:
• A hurtful comment followed by: “Relax, it was just a joke.”
• A shove explained as: “We were playing.”
• Or, like in this case, the boy telling the teacher: “I was only having a conversation. Am I not allowed to talk?”
These situations are difficult to address because everything is deniable. Nothing is obvious. Everything can be excused. Unless we change our approach.
The key to stopping this type of bullying is to define the questionable behaviors instead of trying to prove intentions. Chassidus teaches that in avodas Hashem there are no gray zones—something is either aligned with the right path or it isn’t. The same principle applies here.
Instead of waiting for “evidence,” teachers create crystal-clear behavioral expectations, such as:
• “You may not interrupt two boys who are speaking to each other.”
• “When someone else is talking, you must wait your turn.”
• “You may not make faces or social gestures to push someone away.”
These statements don’t accuse the child of bullying—they simply set boundaries.
And yes—the child may protest, “Why me? Everyone interrupts sometimes!”
A teacher must be confident enough to remember: I am protecting a child who is being unfairly excluded. This is my responsibility. Addressing subtle bullying often requires firmer limits with the child creating the problem. That’s not being unfair—it’s doing justice.
This story continues the conversation we’ve begun, and there is still much more to uncover about how to protect children from the quieter forms of harm.
May we merit the day when there will be no more pain, and only joy will fill the air with the coming of Moshiach speedily in our day!
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