Follow ChabadInfo & Never Miss an Update!

Follow us on Instagram Subscribe to our WhatsApp status and broadcast Follow us on Tiktok Follow us on Facebook Follow us on X Follow us on Google News Subscribe on YouTube

Answer:

Marriage and the Art of Letting Go
A man once said that in 30 years of marriage, he had never won a single argument with his wife. It wasn’t that he was never right or that his reasoning was never stronger. But he understood something crucial: marriage isn’t about being right — it’s about being married. When you’re committed to a relationship, who’s “right” or “wrong” often matters far less than preserving trust, respect, and connection. The real goal is to put ourselves in our spouse’s shoes, to see from their perspective, and to bridge the gap between two different viewpoints — even if that means letting go of the need to be vindicated in the moment. This doesn’t diminish your perspective; it elevates the relationship above the need for short-term triumph.

Understanding Defensiveness
In regards to your question, “why is everything my fault,” perhaps an even better question might be: why did your wife feel the need to defend herself by saying, “You had parked too close to the curb”? Defensiveness is often a signal of underlying anxiety or fear, not just about a specific incident, but about feeling judged, vulnerable, or unappreciated in the relationship.

In many relationships, the knee-jerk reaction to criticism — or even the perception of criticism — is to shift the focus to the other person. It’s human nature to self-protect when we feel our actions are being judged. In other words, to place the other person at “fault.”

Perhaps your wife anticipated that your question was leading toward criticism. Or perhaps there was an unintended edge in your tone. Even if you had no ill intent, words like “Do you know what happened?” can sometimes be heard as, “I’m blaming you for this problem.” It’s not the literal words alone, but the emotional lens through which they are received that can trigger defensiveness.

Shifting Language and Tone
“We” or “collaborative language” shifts away from blame to teamwork. This makes it easier for a spouse to acknowledge what happened without feeling attacked, and it sets the tone for solving the problem together. Language that emphasizes unity encourages mutual responsibility and softens potential conflict, creating a climate where mistakes become shared challenges rather than points of contention.

For example, instead of asking, “Do you know what happened?” you could say: “Looks like we’ve got a little scrape on the tire and hubcap. Do you think we should get it fixed or leave it as is?” This approach invites dialogue rather than defensiveness and signals that the goal is problem-solving, not assigning blame.

Our Thoughts
Even if you responded warmly, collaboratively, and without judgment, there might still be an unspoken thought in your mind: Why can’t you be more careful? These subtle emotional currents are often where defensiveness originates — they can subtly communicate judgment or dissatisfaction, even if unspoken.

The Deeper Emotional Layer                                                                                                             Another point to consider is that defensiveness may reveal a deeper emotional truth: your wife might not feel as secure as she would like in the marriage. Insecure feelings are rarely about the present situation alone; they can be reflections of cumulative experiences, unmet needs, or fear of disappointment. The person may feel a lack of safety and confidence in the relationship. Trust is not built in one conversation; it develops gradually over time through consistent care, understanding, acceptance, and reassurance. Recognizing this can shift your perspective from frustration to empathy.

Marriage as a Tool for Growth
Marriage, albeit challenging, is one of Hashem’s greatest tools for personal growth. Every challenge — from small annoyances to life-changing trials — is tailor-made for us. They’re opportunities to step outside our comfort zones, to be humble, to reflect on our own reactions, and to choose the path that brings peace rather than strife.

When we approach difficulties as lessons, the irritations become mirrors, revealing patterns, behaviors, assumptions, and emotions that we might otherwise ignore. Over time, these lessons accumulate into profound personal and relational growth.

Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.
For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com
To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to: [email protected]
To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

151