“Why Are Ultra-Orthodox Teenagers Leaving the Community and Becoming Secular”
Op-Ed: I recently watched and listened to a YouTube video – “Why Are Ultra-Orthodox Teenagers Leaving the Community and Becoming Secular”. This is a very serious and important subject. The presenter is a knowledgeable Chabad Rabbi, but he got it all wrong this time • By Rabbi Shlomo Ezagui • Full Article
The simplicity in which he presented this most complex question is genuinely baffling. The points made were totally off the mark, even if the intention was to offer one or two thoughts and insights on the subject.
The video begins with the question from one of his students, stating a presumable fact that “most families have someone “off the derech, (a child who has abandoned their orthodox upbringing), and why is this happening today more than in the past.”
I want to take issue with practically everything said in that video.
The Rabbi begins by supposedly putting things in perspective and minimizing the serious question his student poses.
In the past, he says, only those who were committed and dedicated to the principles and lifestyle of Judaism lived an orthodox lifestyle. Today, living an orthodox lifestyle has become more of a way that many people happen to be born into, therefore lacking any real deep commitment factor.
He goes on to say we’ve “reached a critical mass” of people living an orthodox lifestyle. It’s normal with these numbers, for children of the “not so (deeply) committed” and superficial practitioners of the religion (he calls them Reshoim – I think a terrible choice of a description) to have children who look outward and drift away from what was never in these homes, a real deep connection with their Judaism, as opposed to (in his words) the “Tzadikim” and “Roshei Yeshivois” the more righteous and deans of schools of higher learning who presumably have a lower occurrence of this problem.
He continues to hypothesize that kids going off the derech is a symptom of the incredible growth of Judaism after the holocaust, and we shouldn’t be so surprised when the children of (particularly) these (Reshoim) parents go off the derech!
This entire hypothesis is ludicrous.
Firstly, for most of our history, the majority of the Jews were never observant. This leaves only a small percentage who were observant. Of those, for whatever reason, persecution, economic hardships, the hardships of the general circumstances of the world and life, there was always the wide variety of the simple (uneducated) Jew who practiced the tradition because he was brought up that way and the narrower spectrum of the population who were lucky to be more learned.
Unfortunately, a percentage of the entire spectrum fell off the straight and proper path. As new inventions and philosophies were introduced and as they moved from one place to the other, kids, and I might add adults from all backgrounds, were exposed to all sorts of new opportunities, trials, and challenges, internal and external, and many souls succumbed to them.
Things haven’t changed much in this regard.
Without doing a study, it might be that the children of the learned went off the right path just as much, if not even more so, than the simple Jew. This, even though they were learned. We don’t have to look very far than the children of many of the past Chabad’s great personalities. Today, there are, unfortunately, many Shluchim who are highly learned and committed to the faith who suffer this malady. There are parents all over who are dedicated to their Jewish observance, most profoundly and robustly possible, and who have children off the derech.
Many of the early Zionists were pretty learned and well-versed in the Torah and the Talmud.
To say this is “normal” in an accepting, casual tone is extremely surprising and upsetting.
The fact that as more people drive the roads, we will hear of more severe accidents is no reason to accept the matter lightly, as expected or tolerable.
The fact that there are more people doesn’t mean we should accept a more significant number of people dying from smoking and unhealthy practices, which have successfully been changed with the proper sustained effort.
Every soul who dies in an accident is an entire world and demands an inquiry into how this happened so lessons can be learned to try our utmost to avoid this situation repeating another time.
I believe that today, there is a phenomenon not just because we didn’t hear of it in the past but because it simply didn’t exist in the numbers that do today: more people within the communities of the observant are going off the derech. Souls who had the exposure and education are giving it up! Whether it’s shaving the beard, not dressing modestly, or way more serious compromises.
The Rabbi in this video goes on to say, What’s unusual, in a positive way, regarding this catastrophe and tragedy, is that these days, even after going off the derech, i.e., desecrating the Shabbos, marrying out of the faith, etc., we will still embrace with unconditional love these serious transgressors because “there is no such thing as a bad child or a bad person”!!! Really? So today, no one can be, or should be, held responsible for their choices? So today, if a person had a charaidi education and decided to eat meat and milk together, they are not behaving badly and incorrectly? Is that the takeaway from his message?
The Rabbi says we are doing better than before by not sidelining and shunning these individuals. According to this Rabbi, our attitude has changed, “in line with the Rebbe’s approval!”
This is what I call a classic woke attitude: Allow people to express all kinds of wild ideas, practices, and deviant behaviors and unconditionally keep the relationships unconditionally accepting. Be “sensitive” to their feelings, and G-d forbid anyone should challenge or confront these people.
I think people have taken the Rebbes philosophy of being Mekarev (what was intended primarily for the uneducated) people and have turned that into making being secular, a valid option in the life of Chabad and the observant.
We have lost the sensitivity to the seriousness and harm profaning the Shabbos is to the person, to their families, to the entire community of the Jewish people, and to the purpose G-d Almighty has put us here in this world.
There is an expression: Don’t be so open-minded that your brains fall out of your head. It is ludicrous to believe that the Rebbe’s philosophy was to downplay the gravity of knowing better and then eating non-kosher, desecrating the Shabbos, dressing modestly, etc.
As a student in Montreal, I once brought to the principal’s attention the terrible behavior of one of my classmates. The principal was so disgusted that he came running into the class and immediately expelled the student. This kind of harsh treatment shook me.
At lunchtime, I went to the principal and asked him whether the student could have another chance. I felt responsible for this student. The Rabbi principal told me that when there is a pot of kosher meat, you don’t want to introduce non-kosher elements because the entire pot will be compromised.
Years later, I learned that this student had become a rabbi at a Jew for J ****’s congregation. So, did the Principal act incorrectly?
I remember reading some time ago that an individual had his eyes on one of the daughters of the Previous Rebbe and proposed to have her hand in marriage. The Rebbe would not hear of it. This person, feeling rejected, later on went off the derech. Did the Rebbe act correctly, or was he too harsh and insensitive?
One compelling reason so many are going off the derech these days is that the boundaries of right and wrong have become fuzzy and indistinct. (We need strong leadership.) There is not much in the way of consequences when going off the derech. We have become so “unconditionally” loving and accepting that the whole pot has become diluted.
The institutions of education and the manner of transmitting the goodness of being a Torah-observant Jew on a practical level need some serious tweaking.
I was praying at a minyan at a Chabad school the other day. Most of the kids were not really into their prayers. Some teachers came in late, and some took off their tefillin before the end of davening. One was talking to someone else while davening, and one was on his smartphone. I am sure this kind of example doesn’t help the problem.
The perilous problem of why so many are going off the derech is severe, and the loss of even one soul is an entire universe. Hopefully, some askonim can take on this very heartbreaking condition. Whether it’s a think tank that can offer researched information and feedback from the community, every effort in this regard is pikuach nefesh – saving souls for all future generations.
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Here is a comment I saw on LinkedIn regarding last night’s attacks on Israelis. Indeed, what happens in the world reflects how Torah Jews behave and conduct themselves. If we have more Sholom between ourselves and if we do what’s right spiritually, (Eem Bechukoisai Tailaichu) G-d will make it right in the world.
“Human rights and immigration lawyer
2h
The ongoing lack of clear boundaries and the absence of strong measures have led to a situation where today, Jews are not the victims of an openly racist ideology as they were in the 1930s, but of a dangerously distorted interpretation of human rights.
This liberal vision—originally intended to offer protection—has failed in its purpose. Instead of serving as a shield, it has become a sword that puts them at risk, with their safety sacrificed on the altar of a misguided ideal of absolute freedom of expression and protest.
Ironically, these ideals, when left unchecked, empower extremists who are the true enemies of an open society.
The city of Amsterdam seems to have, perhaps unintentionally, enabled a situation where Jews are left defenseless. By extending unlimited tolerance to intimidating behaviors that exploit legal loopholes, the city has fostered an environment in which Jews feel unsafe in their own neighborhoods.
When even schools must resemble fortresses, where our children grow up behind barricades, constantly aware of potential danger, the question is no longer simply whether their safety is secured, but whether we can still claim to live in a society that values true freedom.”
Obviously the person who penned both letters doesn’t have a child off the derech or as we like to say on their own derech. I do so let me speak.
Let me start by agreeing that unfortunately some of the best families have children on their own derech. When x went started her friend list was astounding. All the children from the best families. They knew the difference between right and wrong, but something somewhere or someone put them in pain.
My child defines their turning point by the un gracious way they were thrown out of school. Their biggest fault was simply not fitting in the system. The cause of not fitting in the system was a strong learning disability. After that things spiraled out of control. Alcohol, weed, rock music, etc etc. Then the psyc ward. Dena Gorkin told me, “healthy, happy, frum in the order.”. Avi fishoff stressed showing the child unconditional love. And I couldn’t afford it but I bought subscription boxes of their hobby so we could have a dialogue. And I learned to see the beauty of my child and support that.
Today my child is happy, healthy, and has their own relationship with H-shem and me. Parents who rejected their child are still facing some of the headaches I went through.
I purposely used ambiguous terms as both boys and girls are affected. Yes in daavening and everything else we need to give our “A” game. But consequences and punishments aren’t the answer. Showing unconditional love is.
When someone asks questions we need a place for tough questions. When someone is in pain we need to recognize it and see the person. And see that if someone has a reduction in tznius it is indicative of a problem, a symptom, and we need to treat it as such.
ועמך כלם צדיקים
There is not a Jew in the entire universe who does not fulfill commandments from Hashem whether they know it or not. The person who said these disaraging remarks about yidden is seriously misguided.
There is no place in yiddishkeit for weighing and measuring a fellow yid. For all we know, the people he refers to may be great in their observance and dedicated to Hashem. Let us look in the mirror, find what needs correction(on ourselves) and work to improve. Hatzlacha rabba for individual redemption and the actual, all inclusive geula shelayma, אכי”ר
The author of this article does make some good points, but the comment about throwing someone out of yeshiva is in the wrong place. One can clearly look to the Rebbes letters, which present a clear message about throwing someone out of an institution. They must be a confirmed negative influence on the rest of the students, and that the administration has tried everything in its power to rectify the situation and help the student, and the student still is not reactive.
Any other reason, was not accepted.( I have neevr come across it in my research on this topic- If so please leave a reply with the source and an explanation, Thank you.)
lets all strive to be mechanech our children in the most effective way, like the rebbe says, by being a dugmah chaya. And this includes being a dugmah chayah in all maters, physically, monetarily, emotionally, and not only spiritually.