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By Rabbi Gershon Avtzon

Question: I am a parent of a teenage boy. He is very sweet, obedient and kind. I know that I should be thankful and count by blessings, yet there is one area of concern: I feel that he is lacking self-confidence. He likes to do the right thing, but I sense that he feels unsure of his abilities and internally doubts his capabilities. Did the Rebbe ever address ways of building self-confidence?

Answer: The simple answer to the question is “Yes.” The Rebbe has addressed this challenge which is very prevalent in young adults. Before quoting some letters of the Rebbe, in which he gives his perspective on how to build self-confidence,I would like to share the chassidic perspective on self-confidence. It is quite revolutionary and illuminating.

The following was written by the Rebbe Rayatz in Klalei Chinuch V’hadracha (Chapter 10): 

“Self-confidence (האמנת אדם בעצמו), for example, is a basic human need, yet even it has two sides. If believing in oneself is harnessed to upgrading one’s study of Torah and his performance of mitzvos, and refining and exercising the positive attributes of his character, it is wonderful. If, instead, it serves unworthy purposes, as can happen with those among the rich who are blinded by their wealth, such “wealth is kept for his owner, to his detriment,” for self-confidence of that kind aggravates the ailments of his character.”

I believe this summarizes as well as can be the Jewish approach to this important trait, which differs very much from the secular approach…

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The following are some answers that the Rebbe wrote on this important subject. The main theme of the answers is that the best way to build self-confidence is by creating leadership opportunities for the teenager to feel successful. The feeling of success, will create an internal change in the way the person perceives themselves and their abilities:

(1) “From the way you describe your situation (with your son), there is room to say that if they would get their son into a leadership position  in which he is helping others (as arranging a Mesibas Shabbos for younger children) this will add in the self-confidence of the child as he will see that he is successful and that there are those who are listening to his instructions. Through this inner realization, it is probable that many of the other issues will fall away on their own accord.      

It is certain that there are many ways to establish such a group (of younger kids) and to convince your son to direct this group. When you (the parents) work according to the rules of nature, that is the vessel to receive the blessings of Hashem — even those which are higher than nature.” (Igros, Vol. 18 p. 407; #6891)

(2) “In response to what you write about your son and his future: I am quite certain that in our discussion, even though it was only for a short while, I expressed my opinion that it would not be beneficial to send him away from home. The ability to observe and oversee his growth at home is better than if he is sent away.

Notwithstanding, for the boy not to become spoiled, and more importantly — to strengthen the energy of the child, it would be beneficial to find — in addition to his studies — some communal activity for him to be involved with and direct, for example: to teach a group of children some Judaic subjects. It is self-evident that success in these types of activities adds to the vigor and independence (confidence) of the child.” (Igros, Vol. 19 p. 373; #7372).

The Moshiach Connection:

We are all familiar with the famous words of the Yalkut Shimoni (quoted so often in Besuras Hageula from the sichos of 5750-5752): “Our Sages taught that when the King Moshiach comes he will stand on the roof of the Beis HaMikdash [Holy Temple] and will proclaim to Israel, “Humble ones, the time for your Redemption has arrived!”

I heard the following thought from Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Munitz from Buffalo: Why do we refer to Klal Yisroel as “humble ones” in regards to bringing Moshiach? 

He answered: There are so many very capable Yidden that have built communities, businesses and companies. They are rabbanim, poskim and community leaders. Yet, despite all their talent and accomplishments, they lack the courage and confidence to really believe that they can actually bring Moshiach! They turn very “humble” and shy away from getting involved in this special shlichus. Therefore, the midrash refers to them as “humble ones” and tells them clearly – “the time for your Redemption has arrived!”

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