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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question:
My wife and I got married with shared values—building a Torah home together. But after our third child, things changed. I became overwhelmed with work, and she felt alone with the kids. She started snapping, and I withdrew. We’re fulfilling our obligations, but the warmth is gone. The longer we’re married, the more distant we feel, as if the connection between us is quietly fading. In fact, she once said, “I feel invisible.” How does a couple lose their connection, and how do we rebuild the connection we’ve lost?

Answer:
First, know that you are absolutely not alone. Many couples experience this sense of growing distance. It’s not a sign of failure or a reason to panic. In fact, simply noticing the gap—and caring enough to want to fix it—is already a huge step in the right direction.

Early in marriage, life is exciting and focused on just the two of you. But over time, responsibilities pile up: work, kids, bills, household tasks. You become partners in running a busy home but may lose sight of each other as husband and wife. The connection can fade as you begin to take each other for granted.

Jewish mysticism (Chassidus) teaches that every marriage is rooted in a deep spiritual unity. Husband and wife are two halves of one soul, but this unity needs to be revealed and nurtured through conscious effort. Investing in your relationship does more than just strengthen the marriage—it uncovers the Divine unity at its core.

I once heard from a man who, for forty years, set aside the same day and time each week to go out with his wife. Their secret? Consistency and intentional effort. Connection doesn’t just happen; it requires ongoing investment.

We’re all busy and tired, but every “yes” to distractions is a “no” to your relationship. You don’t have to neglect your responsibilities, but you do need to prioritize each other.

Regarding your question, “How does a couple lose their connection? How does a person lose anything? Usually by not paying attention. Marriage is no different. When we stop noticing our spouse—when we become absorbed in our own stress and responsibilities—we slowly stop seeing each other. We may live in the same home but no longer be emotionally present. The love and care haven’t disappeared; they’re just buried beneath layers of exhaustion and distraction.

This can be understood through the Chassidic concept of “itaruta d’le’eila”—an arousal from Above. At times, we’re given a burst of spiritual inspiration: during davening, a class, or a quiet moment. But unless we hold onto it by making a concrete resolution, it quickly fades.

Similarly, marriage begins with meshichat halev—a natural emotional pull toward our soulmate. It’s a Divine gift (an arousal from Above) meant to guide us to each other. But if it isn’t nurtured, it fades.

Chassidus teaches that our hearts follow our thoughts, speech, and actions. When you ask your wife how she’s doing—and truly listen—when you thank her, speak gently, and make time for one another, you form a vessel for the connection to reawaken.

Notice and show appreciation. Focus on her good qualities. Be generous with your time and words. Don’t wait for big breakthroughs. It’s the small, consistent efforts that restore the bond—and with Hashem’s help, your connection can become even stronger than before.

Practical Steps to Reconnect:

1. Schedule Weekly Time Together
2. Express Appreciation – consistently share things you value about your spouse
3. Unplug – put away devices during your time together
4. Share and Listen – show interest in your spouse’s world; really listen
5. Small Caring Gestures – little acts go a long way
6. Focus on your Spouse’s good Qualities
7. Speak Gently – our words can create closeness or cause distance

The more you invest, the stronger your connection will become.

Aharon Schmidt is the Editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.

To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com

To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]

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