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By Rabbi Gershon Avtzon

Question: I serve as a mashpia in a Mesivta and spend hours speaking to the young bochurim and helping them navigate their personal challenges and struggles. One of the key areas that I focus on is strengthening the bond and connection between the student and his parents (unless it is an abusive relationship ch”v). In addition to speaking with the student, I also find it useful to have discussions with the parents. I was wondering if there is guidance from the Rebbe on this topic.

Answer: Firstly, yasher koach on your dedication to your very important shlichus. It cannot be overstated how important the role of a mashpia is to the young bochurim. I personally know so many instances where the mashpia changed, and saved, the lives of talmidim! 

Secondly, as you did not write a specific scenario that you are looking for guidance in, I will share with you a few letters of the Rebbe to people that were having difficulties with the parent-child relationship.

Letters to Children:

(1) “I have received your letter. Even if it is true that your mother’s relationship to you needs improvement (and she has her faults), yet if you thought about all that a parent endures in raising a child — from the time of pregnancy, birth and on — it will be easier to overlook the faults that you may find in your parents. This is especially true if the faults are imagined or exaggerated.” (Igros, Vol. 9 p. 320; #2954)

The Rebbe adds: “Yet, in recognition of the fact that we are not always in control of our hearts, you should try to have other people present during the time that you interact with your parents, as people tend to act on their best behavior when others are around and this will slowly create an peaceful environment between the parents and child.”

(2) “It would be good to write down the complete commandment of “Honor your parents” on a piece of paper and she should carry it in her pocket at all times (except Shabbos) and take it out and review it from time to time”. (Likkutei Sichos, Vol. 39 p. 239)

(3) “Concerning the matter of kibbud av va’eim: study the verse which includes this mitzvah which is in this week’s parsha [Va’eschanan] and recite it three times daily — evening, morning and afternoon — until the situation is corrected. Study Chitas.” (Translation of the Rebbe’s handwritten answer, published in Beis Moshiach Issue #1313)

Letters to Parents:

(4) “Regarding what you write about your relationship with your son: It is certain that things are slowly improving and what’s more important is that they should continue improving in the future. It is self-understood that when one lives in a (relatively) small community, the specific personality traits that can use improvement are more obvious and disturbing to the other person than if they would live in a bigger city where people are less attached to each other.”

The Rebbe adds: “I will add more and I’m certain that you will forgive me for writing the following: Your son naturally has an introverted personality. Thai trait is especially expressed and recognized in a small community where everyone is mixed with each other, the other person (i.e., the parent) is interpreting the son’s lack of expressions as coldness towards the parent (which is reality is only because of the introverted personality of the child) and the parents reacts accordingly.” (Igros, Vol. 15 p. 147; #5462)

Parent Aren’t Always Objective

On the topic of the relationship between parents and children, I would like to share the following letter: 

“In response to your letter regarding the education of your son: Being that the decision is dependent on many elements and especially the personality of your son, it may be best to discuss this with those that have a personal relationship with your son. In many such educational circumstances, parents are not the best at objectively evaluating their children. This does not just mean that they judge too much to the right (favorably), but also — because they are so close and everything is personal — it is the opposite (that they judge their own children too harshly).” (Igros, Vol. 20 p. 284; #7699)

The Moshiach Connection: 

Regarding the era of Yemos Hamoshiach, the Navi (Malachi 3:23-24) tells us: “I will send you Eliyahu the prophet before the coming of the great and awesome day of Hashem, that he may turn the heart of the fathers back through the children (“He will say to the children affectionately and appeasingly, “Go and speak to your fathers to adopt the ways of the Omnipresent.”- Rashi) , and the heart of the children back through their fathers.” 

In Nissan of the year 5740 (1980), the Rebbe initiated a new mivtza: “V’heishiv lev avos al yedei banim” that was inspired by this prophecy. In the sicha of 13 Nissan that year the Rebbe said: 

“Therefore, it is proper to give warm thanks and special blessing to all the children who have taken an active role in the campaign to ‘return the hearts of the fathers through the children’ in general and particularly in regard to the preparations for Pesach. Surely, they will continue their efforts in the future and use the time remaining until Pesach, and the days of Pesach itself, to enhance the joy and kashrus of the holiday. By ‘returning the hearts of the fathers through the children,’ we will cause our Father in Heaven to turn His heart to His children, the Jewish people.”

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