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By Sara Gopin, Beis Moshiach Magazine 

Did you ever hear of a woman going to have her makeup done professionally before going to the Beis Din to get divorced? I certainly didn’t, and neither did the makeup artist who has been working over eighteen years at the job! Shoshana (a pseudonym I chose because instead of wilting, she’s blooming) explains, “Yes, it was definitely an out of the ordinary thing to do, but it was how I prevented myself from feeling totally crushed and heartbroken. I dressed myself up and convinced myself that I’m victorious!”

Excited, Happy and Unaware

There are important lessons to be learned from Shoshana’s story. I chose the name Dan for Shoshana’s ex-husband because he judged her (unfairly). In her soft voice, she says, “Before I tell my story I want to make it clear that a divorce was the last thing I wanted. I did not initiate it, just the opposite, I kept looking for ways to resolve our marital issues. No effort is too great when it comes to saving a marriage. But, sadly, there was no cooperation. Perhaps if I had begged Dan to postpone the divorce he would have listened, but begging for love eventually backfires.

“In some ways our backgrounds were similar, but they were also very different,” she begins. “I had a nice childhood, my parents gave me warmth, attention and everything else I needed. But when I was in my teens they got divorced, and then my relationship with both of them changed. My father, without the normal framework of marriage, became more involved in his own world, and my mother was occupied in rebuilding her life. I had to go through my pain all alone, but I’m someone who always works on herself in a pnimiyusdik way.

“After seminary I had a prestigious job, and when I met Dan he was very impressed. I saw that he was a good guy, and found no reason not to marry him. He was from a large, happy family that appeared to be perfect and I was excited to be part of them. I was sure that we’d live happily ever after. There was no way of knowing how overly connected Dan was with his mother, and that it was mutual, to say the least…”

The Third Wheel

Shoshana pauses wistfully, and says, “I always dreamt of having a husband who would be my best friend, give me a listening ear, and cherish me. Yet, even if a husband is not capable of filling those needs, the marriage can still work out, as long as there is a basic level of loyalty and respect.

“Early in the morning of the first day after the first week of our marriage, Dan’s mother called to ask him to run an errand for her. This was the beginning of constant, nonstop phone calls from her. She has other children, but since Dan had flexible work hours he was the one she depended on. To my surprise, her numerous phone calls didn’t even seem to annoy him, because he kept calling her too! Every little thing we did he had to share with his mother. It felt like we were a threesome, but I was the third wheel. Dan was much more devoted and attuned to his mother’s needs than he was to mine.

“Dan’s family would get together very often, which is nice and pleasurable, if the right conditions are met. When our child became a toddler he began scattering toys and other objects, as all little children do, and he did it in my mother-in-law’s home too. One time she let out all of her anger about it at me, as if it was my fault, telling me exactly what she thought of me. She shouted, ‘You are a problematic woman who wasn’t raised in a normal home!’ Her words were like a dagger in my heart. But it had been obvious all along that she thought that she did me a big favor accepting me into her family.

“This was too much for me. There was no guarantee that my toddler wouldn’t do anything that would annoy Dan’s mother again, and I was afraid of another outburst. But what hurt and shocked me the most was that Dan had no empathy for me. He kept going to his parents’ home, usually without me, taking our child with him.

“My relationship with Dan slowly deteriorated, but I was able to get him to agree to go to a marriage counselor. Yet that ended up being disappointing too. Instead of taking responsibility for the issues that he has to work on, Dan repeatedly blamed me for everything, using the same excuse as his mother did, that ‘I’m not from a normal background and I‘m not well emotionally.’ This defense always made perfect sense to him, to his mother, to certain members in his family, but to no one else.

“After several sessions of therapy we were still stuck,” Shoshana continues. One day the therapist asked both of us what are our priorities in life. I replied that having a good, close marriage was more important to me than anything else. Dan’s answer was that being with his family and friends meant a lot to him. I was almost last on his list, but at least he was being truthful…”

Dan was probably a good and decent guy, Shoshana doesn’t deny that. But, from the beginning, it doesn’t look like he ever stepped out of his comfort zone to prioritize his marital bond. There’s no deeper wound than being rejected by your spouse, especially for a young woman whose tender heart is full of love, and dreams.

“I’m not saying that I’m perfect and that I don’t make mistakes,” Shoshana speaks openly. “I was becoming too weak to keep trying to communicate my feelings to Dan, and I began giving him the silent treatment. This only increased the tension between us, made the atmosphere at home more toxic, and gave him a good excuse to spend even more time with his family. It didn’t take long before Dan filed for divorce, and he performed the ceremony quite easily. I had brought him a beautiful child, and then he didn’t need me anymore…

“After our divorce I heard that Dan has a number of shidduch offers. There’s no doubt that instead of going on dates he should be making dates of appointments with a therapist or shidduch counselor to receive guidance as to how to prioritize a wife.” She adds, “Ideally his mother should go with him too, or the whole scenario will repeat itself.”

Endings are Beginnings

I asked Shoshana how she feels today, and she responded, “The pain still hurts, but it also changed my entire perspective on life. I saw that life is dynamic. One day you can be on the top and have everything going for you, but there’s no guarantee that the next day it won’t crash and you’ll find yourself at the bottom. But in an instant anything can change, and it does.

“Endings are also beginnings. I’ve just started a wonderful new job where my talents are appreciated and I’m treated very nicely. This was orchestrated by Hashem, in order to help me feel good about myself again. Closeness with Hashem gives me pleasure, and I daven three times a day. Hashem is all I have, and He is everything.

“I’m not from a Chassidic background, but I found that learning Tanya gives me chizuk. It is enjoyable, inspiring, and full of positivity. In perek lamed-zayin of the Tanya it says that by giving tzedaka all of one’s money gets elevated to holiness. This, in turn, raises up one’s entire life to a loftier level. There are different degrees of tzedaka, the highest one is chomesh, which is twenty percent of one’s earnings. This is what I plan to give when I get my first salary from my new job. I’m investing all I can to ‘restart’ my life in the best possible way!”

Shoshana’s emotions escalate as she shares her final message, “Instead of looking for excuses to label and reject your spouse, and everyone else, look for reasons to embrace them! The Lubavitcher Rebbe is the greatest example of unlimited, unconditional Ahavas Yisrael!”

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