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By Rabbi Gershon Avtzon, Cincinnati, Ohio

In the famous Farbrengen of Chayei Sara 5752, the Rebbe discusses at length the fact that when it came to the wedding of Yitzchak and Rivka, Avraham Avinu gave everything that he owned to ensure that the wedding would happen. The reason he did so, even though there are seemingly Halachik reasons why a person should not give away all his possessions, is because the wedding of Yitzchak and Rivka represents the future of Klal Yisroel which is the essence of the life and purpose of Avraham Avinu.

Many Chassidim have said that in this Sicha, the Rebbe is also answering a question about the behavior of the Frierdike Rebbe in regard to the wedding of the Rebbe and the Rebbetzen. At that point, the Frierdike Rebbe did not have much money, yet he invested everything in the wedding in Warsaw (that he did not do at the other weddings of his daughters). This is because the wedding of the Rebbe and Rebbetzen – “the day that connected me to you and you to be” – is the future of Lubavitch and all of world Jewry.

At the end of the wedding, the guests were given a special surprise: The Frierdike prepared a special “Teshura-momento”: A copy of a hand-written letter of the Alter Rebbe. The Frierdike Rebbe said that by keeping a handwritten letter of the Alter Rebbe in your person, it is a very special Segulah. Based on this, Chassidim today try to give out special “Teshuros” at the weddings of their children.

Dear fellow Chassidim, I would like to share a personal feeling (and of course, you are entitled to disagree): The Teshura was not just something for the Chassidim to hold on to, but also a roadmap to a successful and everlasting marriage, and thus directly connected to the wedding of the Rebbe and the Rebbetzen.

How so? It was only recently that I decided to actually read the Ksav Yad of the Alter Rebbe and the history behind the letter. The story (which the Frierdike Rebbe describes) is fascinating: The Chassidim in Vilna were being persecuted by the local Misnagdim. The leader of the Chassidim was the famous Reb Meir Rafaels. He was a very dignified and respected person in Vilna and he did not advocate for intense pushback against the persecution.

The younger Chassidim were very frustrated with this approach and they wanted to have a more aggressive attitude and response. The famous Chassid, Reb Moshe Vilenker, was on their side and he used some very sharp words against Reb Meir Refoels who got very offended.

After hearing of this event, the Alter Rebbe wrote a letter to Reb Moshe (and this is the Ksav Yad that was given out by the wedding), in which he writes (I paraphrase): Your position could have been correct, but I am asking you to ask public forgiveness from Reb Meir Refoels before Yom Kppur. I know that it is difficult but do it for my sake and for the sake of peace. Most issues come from fights that are for the sake of heaven, so please bring peace back to Vilna.

To me, these are the best words of advice for shalom-bayis (and for all relationships): It is not about who is right and who is wrong, it is about being respectful of each other and keeping focused on the peace in the home. Asking forgiveness is not a sign of weakness nor a sign that your position is wrong. It is a sign of respect for the other person’s feelings and the acknowledgment that you may have acted wrong while defending a position that is correct. Too many marriages and relationships were destroyed because the people involved lacked the basic understanding that being right does just justify acting wrong. And when we over-react (as we are human), to have the humility to see out the proper forgiveness.

I once heard from a wise person: “When I do get into a disagreement with my wife, it is always better that she comes out as a winner. After all, would I be happier being married to a winner or a loser?” While I will not spend the time analyzing those words, the main point is certainly correct: Chassidei Chabad teaches that our minds must control our hearts and the goal of peace is much more important than making sure that everyone understands how strongly we feel about a particular issue.

When we carry the “Rebbe’s Teshurah” with us in our hearts and minds, there will be much more Achdus in our homes and communities.

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Rabbi Gershon Avtzon is the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas Lubavitch Cincinnati and a well-sought-after speaker and lecturer. Please feel free to share your thoughts on the above by sending Rabbi Avtzon a personal email: [email protected]

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