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By Izzy Kalman, MS, School Psychologist

Few people are aware of it, but the massive movement to make schools safe from bullying is just about a quarter century old, ignited by the Columbine HS massacre of 1999.

And what do we have to show for twenty-five years of intensive efforts? Bullying continues to be called an epidemic. The suicide rate of children who are victimized by bullying has skyrocketed. And there has been a growing phenomenon of parents suing schools for astronomical amounts for failing to stop their children from being bullied. In recent months, schools have paid individual settlements of $2 million, $5 million, $9 million, and a mindboggling $27 million. These are the kinds of punishments that we would expect for perpetrators of premeditated murder!

Jewish schools have also adopted the mission to combat bullying, because it sounds like the right thing to do, yet bullying continues to be a big problem for many of them as well. Fortunately, no Jewish schools have been sued yet. And none wants to be the first.

If you would like to understand why antibullyism isn’t working, and how it violates Torah principles, please read my article, A Sane, Effective Torah Approach to Bullying, in the N’Shei Chabad Newsletter.

In short, though, it’s because it requires schools to function not as educational establishments but as law enforcement agencies, protecting children from each other, and investigating, judging and punishing every complaint of bullying. This a frustrating, time-consuming process that intensifies hostilities because no one likes to be accused of wrongdoing. It makes the accused bullies angrier both at the children who complained about them and at the school staff for treating them like criminals. The school must also involve the parents, who tend to take their own children’s side, so the situation often escalates into a feud between families.

Additionally, antibullyism puts the responsibility on everyone but the victims of the bullying to solve the problem. If I am a victim of bullying and I need to depend upon other people to solve the problem, I have no solution. If there is no one around to save me, the bullying continues. And what am I to do if people think that I am the real bully?

But it is the victim of the bullying who is in the best situation to solve the problem. If I can be taught how not to be a victim, then no one can bully me. This is the essence of my approach. It strengthens students emotionally and saves school staff time and effort that should be used for education.

Popular advice for responding to insults

This article will be dealing specifically with insults, as they are by far the most common form of bullying, and most physical fights begin with insults. And even though they are only words, they can make children absolutely miserable and even drive them to suicide, rachmana litzlan.

There are many suggestions available in the popular literature for how kids can respond to insults. Some are better than others. Ironically, the least successful is the one that has been promoted the most: the Stop, Walk and Talk approach. Say I’m your victim. The stop part entails me telling you, “Stop! I don’t like that!” But this is exactly what you want to hear! It is literally an invitation for you to continue insulting me. The walk part involves my walking away. This is supposed to free me from you. But it also lets you know that the insult upset me, so you are likely to insult me the next time you see me. And then the tell part, which advises me to inform adult authorities, is the clincher. It turns me into a snitch, which can make you really hate me.

The better responses involve making it clear to you that the insult doesn’t bother me. The list is potentially endless. Here are some good examples:

• “So?”
• “And?”
• “Thanks for your opinion.”
• “Your point is…?”
• “I didn’t hear you. Can you say it louder?”
• “Is that the best you can do?”

My Bullies to Buddies approach

I believe my approach achieves a higher level. It’s not only about stopping the bully, but also improving the relationship with him, even potentially turning him into a friend. And the truth is, many kids are bullied by someone who used to be a friend. In such cases, it’s easy to restore the friendship.

There are two basic elements to responding successfully. One is to refuse to get upset. The second is to respond like a friend. This is the way of the Golden Rule, ואהבת לרעך כמוך. For a detailed explanation of this philosophy, see the N’shei Chabad Newsletter article mentioned earlier.

To help you, I have distilled the most important part of my program into a simple procedure that can turn bullying around in a few minutes.

There is a response that I have come to like above all others for most situations. It requires almost no thinking and works like a charm. As you’ll see, it’s the perfect embodiment of ואהבת לרעך כמוך, which directs us to be nice to people even when they are mean to us. It totally catches you off guard, and tends to elicit a reflexive positive response from you. I call it the opposite compliment. It goes as follows.

You: You are ugly!

Me: Well, I think you are good looking!

You: Thanks!
Me: You’re welcome!

And it usually ends there. It puts a smile on your face and you are more likely to be nice to me in the future.

What I’m doing is telling myself that if you’re calling me ugly, it’s because you want me to know that you’re good looking. So that’s precisely what I tell you. Notice that I am not agreeing that I am ugly. I am simply countering with how you look to me.

It doesn’t always end quite so quickly. It can go like this:

You: You are ugly!

Me: Well, I think you are good looking.

You: But you’re still ugly!

Me: And I still think you are good looking.

You: But you’re still ugly.

Me: And you’re still good lucking.

After a few repetitions, you are bound to stop, and you may even have trouble resisting a response of “Thank you.”

For the opposite compliment to work, it is essential to say it sincerely. If I say it sarcastically, you won’t like it, and I will be met with more hostility.

Teaching it to kids

If you are a parent, teacher, counselor or principal, and a child informs you that they’re being insulted, here’s how I suggest you help them. Ask if they want the kids to stop insulting them. They will certainly say, “Yes.” It helps to use the same insult that is being used against them most frequently, so ask them what it is. Let’s say it’s “ugly.” Then say, “I’m going to teach you how to make them stop. I’m going to play a game with you. Call me ugly and don’t let me stop you.” You will do two trials. It will go something like this.

Trial One

Child: You are ugly!

You: No, I’m not!

Child: Yes, you are!

You: No, I’m not! Stop saying that!

Child: But it’s true!

You: Stop it already! I’m not ugly!

Child: Yes, you are!

After several rounds, transition to Trial Two:

You: I give up. I’m not making you stop, am I?

Child: No.

You: Isn’t this fun?

Child: Yes.

You: Let’s play again. Call me ugly and don’t let me stop you.

Child: You are so ugly!

You: I think you are good looking!

Child: Thanks!

Wait a few seconds and continue:

You: Do you want to continue calling me ugly this time?

Child: No.

You: Do you like me better?

Child: Yes.

You: That’s right. You see, the kids aren’t calling you ugly because you’re ugly, but because you get upset and try to stop them when they call you ugly. So instead, tell them they’re good looking. They will stop insulting you very quickly and are more likely to be nice to you in the future.

You can use this for virtually any compliment. Here are some more examples.
Child: You are so dumb!

You: I happen to think you are smart.

Child: You have no friends! Nobody likes you!

You: You’re one of the most popular kids in the school!

Child: You suck at sports!

You: You’re really good at sports!

Child: Your family is poor!

You: You’re so lucky your family is rich!

You will find that most kids are happy to learn this approach and have fun using it.

How about adults?

Will it work if an adult is insulting you? Adult situations are usually more sophisticated than this. If they’re insulting you, chances are they’re not just trying to have fun getting you upset. In their minds, they are probably trying to let you know something important about yourself. Answering with the opposite compliment is likely to be inappropriate. So instead of getting upset, try to find out what their gripe is. Show them that you appreciate what they’re telling you, and address them like a friend.

***

Israel “Izzy” Kalman has been a psychologist serving schools since 1978. He is the creator of the Bullies to Buddies program, and author of a book for Jewish youth, Bullies to Buddies: A Torah Guide for Turning Your Enemies into Friends. His methods are being taught throughout the world. He is also the world’s most ardent critic of the anti-bullying movement, having correctly predicted its failure since its inception. You can learn more at his website, izzykalman.com, and his Psychology Today column, Resilience to Bullying. Click on the link to read his articles on N’shei Chabad Newsletter.

Izzy Kalman is coming to the U.S. in January and February. To book him for trainings and presentations on bullying and sibling rivalry at your school or group, please email him at [email protected].

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