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A collection of letters of the Rebbe on the importance of Shalom Bayis and avoidance of divorce as much as possible. Compiled in “Eternal Joy” Vol. III published by Sichos In English

Age And Maturity Assist In Attaining Shalom Bayis

A woman who was having severe Shalom Bayis problems, inquired of the Rebbe whether to try to keep the family together, or whether to try to build a new life. The Rebbe responded that the person should try to keep the family together. The Rebbe also added the following:

From time to time to make an effort to better the situation, doing so again and again – with the assistance of a psychologist and medication.

Most importantly, your husband desires this as well, [i.e., that the marriage last,] for it is to his benefit (even in his view) and the benefit of the children sheyichyu.

The more your husband matures, the more there is weakened within him the intensity of “the days of youth and their fervor,” and his rationality dominates to a greater extent (what is truly best for him in all the above).

Thus, after many, many years of finding yourself in such a situation, surely the misery of the situation has lessened and is not as great as it was in the beginning.

That would mean [i.e., a divorce would mean,] to destroy, G-d forbid, all that presently exists and to begin searching anew a new manner of life for yourself and your children (accompanied by the never-ending doubt as to whether you did the correct thing by destroying [the marriage], or whether you lost the chance [to rectify the situation]).

Our Sages declare that “Great is peace,” and that “the Divine Presence resides in their midst,” etc. Understandably, then, you should make the effort [to attain Shalom Bayis].

I will mention you in prayer at the holy resting site of my father-in-law, the Rebbe.

(Nitzutzei Or, p. 9)

The Rebbe’s Avoidance Of Offering His Consent To A Divorce

… As to the request in your letter that I write clearly [about the advisability of a divorce]:

There is the known directive concerning conduct in such matters, and so too have I actually witnessed the conduct of my father-in-law, the Rebbe, that he would avoid saying “no” [even] with regard to negating a shidduch. And most definitely would he avoid giving his imprimatur on a matter of “separation,” [i.e., a divorce].

This is particularly so – and as I have already written to your son – since by the time the letters go back and forth matters can change with regard to many particulars. Therefore, your son should seek your counsel as well as the counsel of his friends from our community who are already aware of the situation.

May G-d grant those who counsel your son the proper insight so that they make the appropriate decision.

I await glad tidings with regard to all the above.

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. VIII, p. 176)

The Rebbe’s Extreme Avoidance Of Pressuring For The Issuance Of A Divorce

It is not at all customary that I should pressure for… a divorce! The reason for this is readily understandable.

In general, this matter belongs to a Rav.

(From a handwritten response of the Rebbe)

Our Sages Absolutely Negated Divorce

Our Sages, of blessed memory, have spoken in the most glowing terms with regard to Shalom Bayis, and have absolutely negated the matter of a divorce, G-d forbid.

In your situation [in particular]: G-d has blessed you with children who surely need a [proper] home, etc., [i.e., a home that has both a father and mother]. Therefore you should continue [your marriage] and be the Akeres HaBayis, the “foundation and mainstay of the home,” and may G-d crown your efforts with success.

Understandably -as is the Jewish custom – you and your husband can together set forth your situation before a Rav and ask him to mediate, etc.

(From a written response of the Rebbe, from the year 5730)

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