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In this letter, dated 13 Tammuz 5725 (1965), the Rebbe writes to a young woman of marriageable age advice on finding a shidduch and addresses the question “How is it possible to get to know a person well before the wedding?”

…In reply to your questions:

1) What are the good qualities to look for in a Shidduch? The answer is that first and foremost the person should be trustworthy, so that he could fully be relied upon in all his promises relating to the establishment of a truly Jewish home, a Binyan Adei Ad. The maximum assurance that he is indeed such a person is when he is religious, and his whole life, in every aspect of the daily life, is directed by the Torah and Mitzvoth. For in such a case one can be fully certain that he is not motivated merely by the opinions of other people, but considers these matters as a sacred Mitzvo, commanded by G-d. Having ascertained this first and primary quality, it is then possible to consider also what additional qualities a person has.

2) How is it possible to get to know a person well before the wedding? The answer is that it is quite true that it is impossible to get to know a person before the wedding as well as after. However, it is possible to get to know him in an adequate way by making sure that he has the primary quality mentioned above. And this can be found out indirectly, in addition also to what he himself reveals. In other words it is possible to find out about his family background, his upbringing and education, and his general conduct in the daily life. For a person’s character is a combination of all these factors and influences.

I would like to conclude with a further important point. If it is always necessary to have G-d’s blessing, how much more so in the matter of a Shidduch which is to last a lifetime. The way to receive G-d’s blessings is, as the Torah states clearly, “If you will walk in My statutes, and will observe My commandments and do them” then follow all the good blessings, not only spiritual but also material. And although one is expected to do everything in the natural order of things, in accordance with the regular local practice in the circles of Torah observant Jews, it is well to bear in mind that the blessing is from G-d, as it is written, “And he will bless you in all that you do.”

Source: Secretary’s copy Published: Teshura (Sorkin-Simpson, 21 Sivan, 5777).

Listen To Both

In this letter, dated 11 Adar 5718, the Rebbe addresses the topic of the proper balance between mind and heart in deciding on a shidduch in light of the famous principle of “Moach shalit al halev — the mind should rule the heart”:

… I received your letter of February 11th, in which you write that you had been given to understand that in connection with a Shidduch, the true approach of the Torah and the Jewish way, is not to let the heart play a decisive part in it, but that the important thing is to ensure the good qualities, etc., of the party concerned. Therefore, you write, that my reply, as it was reported to you, seemed inconsistent with the above.

Now, I do not know how my reply was reported to you. At any rate, my reply always relates to a particular question, asked by a particular person, on the basis of a particular set of data, and, needless to say, my reply is given to the person concerned, who alone can reveal the answer to others. With regard to your particular problem that you write in your letter, however, let me state that it is true that according to the ideal of the Torah, “The mind should rule the heart,” and when the mind desires something in accordance with the Torah, the heart should follow without question. This is theoretically true also of a Shidduch, where the ideal woman is described as “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth G-d, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30. The same is true, of course, of a man.

Undoubtedly, however, in our present-day world, it is not always a case where the heart follows the mind, but the heart often has an opinion of its own, not consistent with the above quotation. Therefore, when it comes to a particular case, and it is necessary to decide whether it is a suitable Shidduch among two particular persons, it is then necessary to take into consideration the two concerned parties as they are, and not as they should be, in all perfection. Hence, there is no contradiction between the ideal of the Torah in connection with a Shidduch, and the practical necessity to advise one, in a particular situation where the party has not attained the ideal stage, to listen also to the voice of the heart.

I trust that you know of the three daily Shiurim and observe them, and may G-d grant that you find your suitable Shidduch in all details, since G-d’s blessing is necessary in every case, and particularly in the case of a Shidduch.

Source: Secretary’s copy published in Teshura (Simpson-Chasdan, 4 Tammuz, 5768).

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For more on the Rebbe’s view on having emotional feelings regarding Shidduchim see “Eternal Joy: A Guide To Shidduchim & Marriage” (SIE, 2000), Vol 1, pp. 75-81.

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