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A The Rebbe’s advice to a young woman who was dating a man who didn’t share the same worldview as her on matters of Yiddishkeit and was still considering marrying him:

It is not advisable at all to compromise on matters of principle, especially when this relates to the beginning of independent life, and particularly – making this compromise the foundation of marriage (which is to become an everlasting edifice) all the while that compromise (an untruth) is a lie – a lie to oneself and a lie to the other person, and how can happiness come through this?

To explain:

One behaving in matters of Torah and mitzvos more than is warranted by his understanding – is not a compromise in principle – only discomfort, or extra bother and the like; however, when one behaves in matters of Torah and mitzvos less than is warranted by his understanding – this is a compromise in principle and in faith. And one must not force a person to do this.

It is likely that eventually, this will arouse resentment in the one who was forced towards the person for whom he made the compromise-falsehood, and a lack of respect on the part of the coercer towards the one who was coerced (when he sees that he compromises on matters of principle).

Each person prays at the beginning of each day “Do not bring me into temptation” – even a complete tzaddik of seventy years. It then goes without saying that one should not bring oneself into daily temptation.

As it seems from your own letter – you lack the wherewithal to change his perspective over time – because already now (as you wrote yourself) your conduct includes several compromises, and a compromise leads to a compromise etc., until the whole importance of principles is lost (over time), and even more than the other side demands.

In general, it is not advisable to force the other side to change their perspective, especially when he is involved with psychology (even if it was in your ability), rather, he must do this entirely of his own good will (but she can explain it to him, etc.), and this must specifically done for a period of time before deciding regarding the shidduch.

It appears that the above comes as a result of conduct that is not in accordance with the Shulchan Aruch (even though, unfortunately, many do so in the United States) i.e., that young men and women frequently meet etc. in person, even though they know that the time for marriage has not yet arrived. And undesirable closeness leads to its opposite — distance and friction and so on.

Perhaps it would be worthwhile that at least now they stop meeting etc. for a period of time, and thereby, each will be able to examine themselves and their feelings about the above (without the confusion of emotions) and afterwards they will make final decisions regarding the above.

I will mention this at the Tziyun.

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