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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question: We are a religious family and our 17-year-old daughter dresses quite immodestly. It’s embarrassing in public, and we often find ourselves feeling frustrated and upset. We’ve had countless talks with her, but she simply says, “This is how I dress.” We don’t know what else to say or do.

Answer: You are facing a painful and deeply emotional challenge that many parents in religious communities encounter, particularly during the teenage years. It’s important to recognize that your daughter is not just defying a dress code—she is expressing a deeper process of inner exploration and identity formation.

A Time of Growth and Turbulence

Adolescence is a stage of becoming—a time of intense change, self-discovery, emotional ups and downs, and seeking belonging. Your daughter is navigating a world filled with influences, pressures, curiosities, ideals of beauty, and conflicting messages. Underneath her bold statements and outward appearance is still the same child who needs her parents more than ever—for guidance, stability, and unconditional love.

Parents as Trainers and Coaches

Imagine a coach training an athlete. The coach doesn’t expect perfection at every session. There are victories and setbacks, times of intense motivation and moments of discouragement. But the coach never gives up. They stay present, hopeful, believing, patient, and persistent.

You are those trainers in your daughter’s life. You are not here to control every movement but to encourage growth, instill values, and believe in her potential—even when it’s hard to see.

Don’t Take It Personally

It’s tempting—and very human—to take your child’s choices personally. This can lead to feelings of embarrassment, anger, hurt, or betrayal. But Chassidus teaches us that rachamim (compassion) is the channel through which deeper love is revealed. Rather than focusing on what feels like defiance, try to see the emotional and spiritual struggles underneath. Your empathy, love and calm presence can create a space where your daughter feels safe to grow.

What You Focus on Grows

Your daughter likely already knows that you disapprove of her clothing choices. More conversations on this topic may only deepen resistance or widen the emotional gap. What might have a greater impact now is turning your attention to what’s going right in the relationship. Give her compliments—not just surface ones, but meaningful reminders of her strengths: “I remember the way you stood up for your friend. That moment really stayed with us—your sensitivity and courage were incredible.”

Don’t underestimate the power of a warm smile, a gentle hug, or an unexpected act of kindness. Affection and positive attention go a long way in restoring closeness.

Invest in Connection

Make time for her—without agenda. Ask her opinion on things she cares about. Go out for coffee. Laugh together. Let her feel that your love is not conditional on her religious performance. When a child feels emotionally secure, they become more open to receiving your values over time.

Trust the Journey

Every soul has its own timeline. Hashem entrusted this child to you—not to mold her into a copy of yourselves, but to nurture her unique neshama. The Lubavitcher Rebbe often emphasized that no Jewish soul is ever truly lost. Sometimes the sparks just lie hidden for a while. Your faith in her will be a light that she carries with her, even when you can’t see it.

In Summary:

Let your daughter feel that her relationship with you is not on the line. She is still your daughter. Still lovable. Still valuable. And still growing. Your calm presence, encouragement, love and belief in her potential with give her the foundation she needs to discover her own authentic path in serving Hashem – with sincerity, depth and inner conviction.

Aharon Schmidt is the Editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.

To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com

To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]

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