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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question: My husband is 30 and has been smoking for about 10 years. He says he wants to stop but never follows through. I want to help him, but whenever I bring it up, he gets annoyed and tells me to stop telling him what to do and let him live his life. I’m worried about him but don’t know what to do. Please advise. Thank you.

Answer: It is well known that cigarette smoking is harmful to one’s health. The Lubavitcher Rebbe also strongly discouraged smoking and addressed this issue in several letters.

From your letter, it’s clear that your husband agrees that quitting would be beneficial. That’s already a positive starting point. The question now is: how can you help him stop?

Your husband’s words, “stop telling me what to do, just let me live my life,” may be painful for you to hear, but they also offer insight into how to approach him. Some spouses are more receptive to advice, while others may perceive even well-intentioned suggestions as attempts to control them or as signs that they aren’t accepted as they are. Your husband seems to be in the latter category.

As long as he feels that your advice is an attempt to control him, even your most caring intentions may only create distance, marital friction and hurt feelings for both of you.

Chassidus explains that the Divine sefirot — the emanations through which Hashem conducts and reveals Himself in the world — consist of both light and vessels. The light not only fills the vessel but helps it grow and thereby contain even more light. However, if the light is too intense for the vessel, it can cause the vessel to break.

You have much light to give your husband, but he needs to be able to receive your light. Just as light must adapt to the vessel, your love and concern need to adapt to your husband. With the right approach, he will gradually become more open to receiving your guidance.

Consider this parable: A farmer has a field with dry, parched soil. He knows the field needs water to grow crops, but if he floods it all at once, the water runs off or erodes the ground. However, if he allows the water to flow slowly and consistently, the earth softens and begins to absorb the moisture. Over time, the once-dry land becomes fertile and receptive.

Your husband is like that field. He already knows he needs “water” — change — but the process must match what he can absorb. Your steady, quiet confidence in him, and emotional support are like the slow, nourishing drops that prepare the soil.

Below are several practical steps you can take to create an environment that supports and encourages change.  The steps are designed to gently respect your husband’s autonomy, while not pressuring him to change.

1. Focus on Connection, Not Correction

Instead of raising the topic directly, look for opportunities to strengthen your emotional connection. When your husband feels accepted and valued, he’s more likely to open up on his own. This might mean spending more quality time together, showing appreciation for the things he is doing well, or simply being more present and less reactive around the smoking issue.

2. Be a Mirror, Not a Hammer

Rather than saying, “You should quit,” you might reflect what you observe in a gentle, non-judgmental way:

“I noticed you were coughing this morning — it looked uncomfortable. I hate seeing you in pain.”

This approach shows care, not control.  It also encourages your husband to share the challenges he is experiencing.

3. Ask How to Help

If your husband has ever said, “I want to quit” or “I should stop,” you might revisit that gently by asking:

“If you ever decide to try cutting down, is there a way I could support you that would feel helpful?”

This shows that you’re willing to help on his terms, which increases the likelihood of receptivity.

In addition, focus on highlighting his strengths.  Affirming his ability to make strong decisions can build internal motivation:  “I’ve seen you set your mind to things before and follow through. When you decide to quit, I truly believe you’ll do it.”

This reminds him that you see his strength, not just his struggle.

4. Acceptance

Accept your husband as he is and trust that he can make the necessary changes. Your acceptance and trust will give him the confidence, strength, and support to move forward. As he feels your trust and acceptance, he will, over time, be more open to your advice.

Aharon Schmidt is the Editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.

To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com

To receive periodic ideas on navigating marriage and personal growth, reach out to [email protected]

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