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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question: We are a group of five women friends who make time once a week to go out for breakfast together. However, one woman in the group is very conceited. She rarely shows interest in anyone else and tends to dominate the conversation by talking about herself. This frustrates me and fills me with resentment and negativity. How can I stop feeling this way?

Answer: It’s wonderful that you and your friends make the effort to connect regularly. In today’s hectic world, nurturing meaningful relationships is a true priority.

It’s also admirable that you’re focusing on how you can respond to this situation, rather than waiting for your friend to change. Hashem places challenges in our path as opportunities for personal growth. When we embrace and learn from the lessons they offer, those challenges often resolve themselves or stop repeating in new forms.

Our souls are composed of intellect and emotion, and it is our intellect that has the power to guide our emotional responses. What we choose to focus on has a direct effect on how we feel. A common thought pattern is magnification or tunnel vision—fixating on one negative item and overlooking everything else. We do this not only with others, but with ourselves as well.

The fact that this woman is part of your group suggests she must have redeeming qualities. Shifting your attention toward her positive traits will help reduce your feelings of anger and resentment. When we train ourselves to see the good, our emotions follow.

The Rebbe repeatedly emphasized the importance of focusing on the positive. After suffering a major heart attack, a doctor warned the Rebbe, “You must watch your health. If you don’t, there is, G-d forbid, a 25% chance of relapse.” The Rebbe, with his signature optimism, replied, “So that means if I maintain my routine there’s a 75% chance it won’t happen again!” This mindset of emphasizing the positive is something we can all learn from.

We are all in a process of growth. Hashem gives us our years in this world to refine our character and be the best we can be.

There’s a well-known parable about a sculptor and a block of marble. A man once walked past a sculptor who was chiseling away at what looked like a rough, unshapely stone. Day after day, he watched as the sculptor carefully hammered and carved. Eventually, a beautiful lion emerged from the marble.

Amazed, the man asked, “How did you know there was a lion in that block?”

The sculptor replied, “I didn’t put the lion there—I just chipped away everything that wasn’t the lion.”

Each of us is like that block of marble. Hashem gives us our years in this world to chip away at the traits that hide our inner beauty—our impatience, pride, or resentment—so the true essence of our soul can shine through. It’s a lifelong process, and that’s exactly how it’s meant to be.

And just as we’re each shaping our own character, it’s important to recognize that others are also works in progress. True friendship means embracing someone fully—valuing their strengths and showing compassion and patience for their weaknesses. Just as we are on a journey of growth, so are they.

In conclusion:

1. Focus on your friend’s positive qualities.
2. Accept her imperfections, remembering that growth is a lifelong journey—for all of us.

Your friend may not change, but your peace of mind doesn’t have to depend on her. By shifting your focus, you’ll feel better—and your relationship may improve as well.

Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.

To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com

Upcoming Shalom Bayit Seminar – To register or learn more, contact: [email protected]

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