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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question: My marriage has been very difficult almost from the beginning. Recently, I learned about verbal and emotional abuse, and I suspect I might be in such a relationship. But how can I know if my husband is verbally abusive? Maybe he’s just challenging, or maybe it’s my fault. I don’t know—but much of what I’ve read seems to describe my situation.

Answer: Verbal abuse can be challenging to identify because it is often subtle and not as obvious as physical abuse. While all relationships experience arguments and moments where people say things they regret, healthy conflicts are usually focused on resolving a specific issue, such as finances, responsibilities, or family dynamics. Emotional and verbal abuse, however, go beyond normal conflict.

An emotional abuser often seeks to control or hurt their partner. They may try to make their spouse feel inferior as a way to assert dominance. This dynamic isn’t about resolving an issue; it’s about power. While this is a common indicator of emotional abuse, there are other signs that can help distinguish between normal marital disagreements and abuse.

Emotional abuse is real, and its impact can be profound and lasting. Signs of emotional abuse may include:

• Low self-esteem or emotional instability
• Withdrawal from social connections
• Difficulty trusting others
• Underachievement or lack of confidence
• Increased anxiety or depression
• Substance abuse
• Fearfulness or a sense of dread when interacting with the abuser
• Feeling emotionally drained from trying to keep the partner happy

When an abuser acknowledges their behavior and is genuinely willing to change, therapy can sometimes be effective. However, many abusers deny their behavior, often portraying themselves as the victim. In some cases, they may even convince a therapist (and themselves) that the real problem lies with their partner.

As a result, treatment usually focuses on empowering the victim to rebuild their confidence, establish healthy boundaries, and recognize what a healthy relationship looks like. Therapy can teach skills such as assertiveness, boundary-setting, and making positive, healthy decisions. If you suspect you may be in an abusive relationship, it’s crucial to seek guidance and support from a trusted professional. Remember: you are not at fault.

The Torah teaches that, “a prisoner cannot free himself from prison.” (Berachot 5b) Seeking guidance is vital to understanding your situation, uncovering your inner strengths, and moving forward to build a healthy, fulfilling, and normal life.

And, most importantly, Hashem grants each person the strength to overcome their challenges. As it is written, “Hashem does not make unreasonable demands of His creations” (Avoda Zara 3a). While not everyone may have the same inner strength to face such a challenge, Hashem has specifically given you the power to do so. And not just to endure, but to overcome it—emerging stronger, more resilient, and even greater than before.

As Chassidus teaches, every descent is for the sake of a greater ascent.

Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.

To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com

Upcoming Shalom Bayit Seminar – To register or learn more, contact: [email protected]

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