21 hours ago

From Conflict to Connection – Putting the Marriage First

“My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and we have a lot of good times together. But every so often, we get stuck in the same frustrating loop. Just the other day, she opened up about how overwhelmed she feels managing the house and kids on her own while I’m out working long hours. I instantly jumped into “explain and defend” mode—I mean, I really do work hard to support us! But instead of helping, that only made things worse. The conversation spiraled into a fight, and we didn’t talk much for the next three days. Honestly, this kind of thing happens about once a month. I care deeply about her and want to break the cycle, but I’m not sure how. Where do we even begin? ” • Aharon Schmidt replies, from the Living Jewish’s Farbrengen column • Read More

By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question: My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and we have a lot of good times together. But every so often, we get stuck in the same frustrating loop. Just the other day, she opened up about how overwhelmed she feels managing the house and kids on her own while I’m out working long hours. I instantly jumped into “explain and defend” mode—I mean, I really do work hard to support us! But instead of helping, that only made things worse. The conversation spiraled into a fight, and we didn’t talk much for the next three days. Honestly, this kind of thing happens about once a month. I care deeply about her and want to break the cycle, but I’m not sure how. Where do we even begin?

Answer: Your question touches on something many couples experience: cycles of miscommunication that turn emotional pain into conflict. The good news is that it can change—and often, it starts with a shift in mindset more than in circumstances.

Let’s revisit your story with a shift in response. When your wife expressed her struggles, you instinctively defended yourself. That’s natural—you do work hard. But was that the response she truly needed? Most likely, she was seeking empathy and understanding, not justification. She wanted her husband to hear her pain, not to debate the facts.

The Torah teaches, “Is man a tree of the field?” (Devarim 20:19). Like trees, people need the right environment to grow. In marriage, that environment is emotional safety. When a spouse feels heard, validated, and understood, the roots of connection grow deeper. Defensiveness blocks that growth. Empathy and understanding nourishes it.

Here’s a parable: A man once spilled water on the floor and slipped. Furious, he yelled at the puddle. His wife gently handed him a mop and said, “Yelling won’t dry it.” In marriage, reacting with blame or defensiveness only spreads the mess. Compassion cleans it up.

Of course, both spouses have needs. But the goal isn’t to “win” the conversation—it’s to strengthen the marriage. This is reflected in the Torah’s words: “Death and life are in the hand of the tongue” (Mishlei 18:21). Words can draw a person close or push them away. In moments of tension, our response can either become a bridge or a wall.

It’s also helpful to reflect on what we think after a conflict. It can be helpful to remind yourself: “That was hard for me—but I know we’re both growing, and just like I say things she doesn’t like, she has her moments. We have many good times, and this conflict doesn’t define our marriage.” This mindset balances allows space for imperfection—yours and hers—without jumping to harsh conclusions. It also puts the relationship in perspective – focusing on the good. Balanced thinking leads to emotional flexibility, a key to peace.

It’s important to remember: our spouse is not a what—a bundle of behaviors to critique—but a who—a person with needs, feelings, and struggles – just like us. Challenges in marriage aren’t his or hers—they’re shared. Husband and wife are working together toward a common goal while navigating the complexities of life together. When couples adopt this perspective, the emotional climate of the relationship shifts dramatically, creating more unity and understanding. If both husband and wife strive to understand each other and prioritize the marriage over personal needs – putting the marriage first – everyone benefits.

As Rabbi Akiva taught: If a man and woman merit, the Divine Presence rests between them. (Sota 17a). What makes a couple worthy? Not perfection—but effort, humility, understanding, acceptance, and the willingness to grow together. When we prioritize the marriage over our personal needs, the home becomes a vessel for Hashem’s presence and blessing.

Aharon Schmidt is the editor of Living Jewish, a weekly Chabad publication; Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef; and therapist specializing in marriage and individual counseling.

To receive Living Jewish, email: [email protected]

For more information about therapy services, visit: www.aharonschmidt.com

Upcoming Shalom Bayit Seminar – To register or learn more, contact: [email protected]

Never Miss An Update

Join ChabadInfo's News Roundup and alerts for the HOTTEST Chabad news and updates!