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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question:

After Pesach, I want a vacation, but my husband isn’t enthusiastic. He’ll go if I insist, but I’d much rather he be excited about it. I’m exhausted from Pesach and caring for the kids, but he prefers staying home to learn and relax. This situation is frustrating for me.

Answer:

It sounds like you’re carrying a deep sense of fatigue—not just physically from the intense preparation of Pesach and caring for the children, but emotionally, too. You’re looking for a break that actually feels like a break, a space to breathe and recover. That’s not only valid—it’s essential. On the other hand, your husband finds rest in the comfort of home, in the familiarity of his schedule, and in the quiet of learning. This kind of disconnect in how each partner “recharges” is very common, especially after high-pressure times like Yom Tov.

What you’re facing is a real moment of emotional tension—your need for renewal feels unmet, and his lack of enthusiasm feels like a lack of support. But underneath both of your positions are legitimate needs. The key isn’t choosing one or the other—it’s opening up space for both of you to be seen and heard. The key is communication, compromise, and creativity in finding solutions that work for both of you.

One of the first steps is sharing your feelings in a way that invites empathy, rather than resistance. It’s easy to assume he should already understand how drained you are, but men (and people in general!) often don’t see the full picture unless it’s gently spelled out. Try saying something like: “I know how much you value your time at home and your learning—it’s important to me that you feel relaxed and fulfilled. At the same time, this Pesach left me completely exhausted. I don’t feel like I can recharge here at home, where the work and responsibilities never stop. I need a change of scenery to really rest, emotionally and physically.”

Tone really matters here—when you share vulnerably rather than resentfully, it helps lower defensiveness and invites connection. Let him know this isn’t about pulling him away from what matters to him—it’s about taking care of your own well-being in a way that ultimately strengthens your ability to be present for your family. This invites him into your world without placing blame. It helps him see why a vacation is essential for you while acknowledging his needs.

It can also help to explain what “staying home” feels like for you right now. For someone who’s been in the trenches of cooking, cleaning, serving, and parenting for days (or weeks), home can feel more like a workplace than a refuge. You might say: “I know staying home feels restful for you—but for me right now, it feels like someone having a picnic in their office. Even when I try to rest, I can’t fully unwind because I see everything that still needs to be done.”

If he’s not enthusiastic about the idea of going away, look for creative ways to make the trip feel easier and more enjoyable for him:

• Pick a location with peaceful surroundings where he can learn without distraction.
• Build a schedule where mornings are quiet and unstructured, leaving time for learning, and afternoons are for other activities.
• Consider a shorter trip, like a weekend getaway, to make it feel less disruptive to his routine.

And if he says, “I’ll come if it’s important to you,” that’s a green light—take it. His willingness shows love and flexibility. Sometimes we expect our spouse to be excited about what excites us, but excitement isn’t always the best measure of support. The fact that he’s ready to go for your sake is meaningful. And who knows—once he’s there, he might actually enjoy it more than he expected.

Also, don’t underestimate the long-term value of doing this. A vacation isn’t just about rest—it’s about reconnection. It’s about stepping out of the cycle of daily stress and remembering who you are together, not just as parents or homemakers, but as a couple. That reset can breathe fresh energy into your relationship and your home.

At the heart of marriage is learning how to hold each other’s needs with understanding and respect, even when they don’t align perfectly. This moment—if handled with honesty, creativity, and empathy—can become not just a solution to a short-term frustration, but a chance to deepen your mutual understanding and strengthen your bond.

Aharon Schmidt is the editor of the weekly publication Living Jewish, Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef and therapist for marriage and individuals. For more information, contact: [email protected]

*Shalom Bayit seminar beginning after Pesach. To register and/or receive more information, please contact [email protected].

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