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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question:
I work a full day, leaving the house at 7 a.m. and returning home around 7:30 p.m. My wife works in the morning and is home by 1 p.m. Now that we’re cleaning for Pesach, she expects me to do as much as her. She says she’s also busy with other household duties, but I barely have time to sleep after my long workday. Do you think this is fair?

Answer:
The concept of “fairness” is complex, and it often depends on perspective. But let’s consider this from a different angle: does “fair” truly apply in a marriage?

Imagine a basketball game. Two teams are battling for the championship, and the game is tied with two minutes left on the clock. Suddenly, the star forward walks off the court, saying, “It’s not fair—I’ve played more minutes than anyone. You guys finish the game alone.” What would happen? People would be stunned! Why? Because in that moment, it isn’t about individual effort—what’s best for me—it’s about working together for the team’s higher goal: winning the game.

So too, a successful marriage is built on teamwork and striving for a higher purpose—the health and happiness of the marriage itself. When faced with challenges—whether it’s Pesach cleaning or any other issue— consider shifting your focus from “what’s fair” to “what’s best for the marriage.”

Understanding Your Spouse

It’s natural to feel overwhelmed when life demands more than you think you can give. You might argue, “My well-being is necessary for the health of our marriage.” And you’d be absolutely correct! But here’s where things get tricky: how you approach this conversation matters deeply.

When we say, “It’s not fair,” we unintentionally frame the situation as me versus my spouse. This mindset creates division rather than unity. Instead of focusing on fairness, try focusing on understanding—because just as you want your wife to recognize your needs, she wants you to recognize hers. Understanding is an essential ingredient in putting your marriage first.

A Collaborative Approach

Rather than framing this issue as a tug-of-war over responsibilities, consider approaching it collaboratively. Here’s an example of what you might say to your wife:

“I really appreciate all that you do with work and managing the household, and I know it leaves you with very little time for anything else. I am also challenged by my demanding work schedule, which leaves me with limited time outside of work. Let’s figure out together how we can tackle Pesach cleaning in a way that feels manageable for both of us.”

By framing the issue as something shared rather than something owned by one person, you shift from blame to partnership—and that’s where solutions, caring, and marital harmony are born.

The Gift of Marriage: Bitul and Beyond

During one of my classes, an attendee asked me to explain the Chassidic concept of bitul – self-nullification. Rather than foregoing one’s talents, bitul means directing one’s capabilities and gifts to a higher purpose—seeing oneself and one’s abilities as a means to serve Hashem. Along these lines, marriage is one of life’s greatest gifts. It cultivates bitul, putting the shared bond above individual desires— leading to a deeper, more mature relationship with Hashem.

Pesach cleaning offers an opportunity to practice this principle in real life. By working together—not just physically but emotionally—you strengthen your marriage and create an environment of mutual respect and understanding.

Final Thoughts

Marriage isn’t about keeping score; it’s about building something greater together. While it may feel unfair at times when responsibilities pile up unevenly, shifting your focus from fairness to teamwork can transform frustration into connection.

Pesach cleaning may be challenging, but it also presents an opportunity—a chance to strengthen your relationship through shared effort and mutual understanding. By working together with compassion and respect for each other’s limits, you’ll not only prepare your home for Pesach but also nurture your marriage in ways that last far beyond Yom Tov.

Aharon Schmidt is the editor of the weekly publication Living Jewish, Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef and therapist for marriage and individuals*. For more information, contact: [email protected]

*Shalom Bayit seminar beginning after Pesach. To register and/or receive more information, please contact [email protected].

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