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By Aharon Schmidt, Living Jewish

Question:

A couple of days ago, I gave a friend a ride to Jerusalem. It was a 45-minute drive, so we had time to talk. He shared that he has been feeling somewhat down and unsuccessful in life. He said he earns an average living, but his family is always struggling financially. Additionally, he feels stuck spiritually—without much time to learn Torah. Seeing people around him who seem to be better off both financially and spiritually makes him feel increasingly inadequate. What do you think would have been the best way to respond?

Answer:
When people share their struggles, the knee-jerk reaction is to offer advice. However, more often than not, they are not looking for the listener to offer a solution—they simply need to express their feelings. They are seeking an open ear and an open heart.

Sharing has a twofold effect:

1. It eases inner pain and tension.
2. It enables a person to discover their own insights and solutions.

Chassidus explains that speech has a higher spiritual source than thought. Through speaking, a person taps into deeper intellectual reservoirs, generating new ideas and solutions. As many therapists can attest, by simply listening with an empathetic ear, the client often arrives at their own realization of the best path forward.

When offering advice, knowing how and when to share it is essential. Even the best advice will be ineffective – brushed aside or forgotten – if the person is not ready to receive it. Listening with empathy and understanding builds connection and trust, creating an environment where guidance is more likely to be welcomed.

That being said, the following teaching is relevant to your friend’s situation. In HaYom Yom (compiled by the Rebbe from the teachings of the Previous Rebbe), it is taught:

“In material matters, one should always look at those whose situation is lower than one’s own and thank the good G‑d for His kindness. In spiritual matters, one should always look at those who are on a higher level and plead with G‑d to grant the intelligence to learn from them, as well as the ability and strength to rise higher.”

In other words, focus on the blessings we receive daily from Hashem. Recognizing what others lack allows us to appreciate what we do have.

In the spiritual realm, another person’s achievements do not diminish our own worth. Instead, they can serve as inspiration, encouraging us to learn and grow. Ultimately, Hashem wants each of us to fulfill our potential—to be the best we can be.

Aharon Schmidt is the editor of the weekly publication Living Jewish, Shliach in Ramat Beit Shemesh Alef and therapist for marriage and individuals. For more information, contact: [email protected]

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