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Question:

I am eighteen years old and the oldest in my family. I am very aware that there is a lack of Shalom Bayis between my parents and I’m not sure if they are aware how much of an impact it is having on our family. Should I try to mix in? If yes, what approach should I take?

Answer:

Before addressing this very sensitive question, I would like — for the benefit of the readers — to share with you some letters where the Rebbe writes about the effects of the parents’ Shalom Bayis on the children:

Think About the Children and You’ll Figure Out a Way

(1) “In reply to your letter of Teves 28 in which you write about the state of the relationship between you and your wife [and that she has moved out of the house]:

It is known to what extent our Sages, of blessed memory, speak glowingly about the importance of Shalom Bayis and that “When husband and wife merit, the Divine Presence resides in their midst.” Thus, it is necessary for you to see that many of your wife’s friends speak to her and convince her to return home.

You will surely take to heart the statement of our Sages, of blessed memory, that women are of a more emotional nature (‘Nashim da’atan kalah”) and “their tears flow more easily” [i.e., they have a more sensitive nature], and “the gates of tears are never closed.”

Therefore, in many situations such as that which you are facing, the husband should sacrifice material matters as much as he can. This is particularly true in your situation, where it is important to bear in mind the effect your relationship has upon your children.  (Igros, Vol. 8 p. 210; #2454. Emphasis added).

“Once The Children Are Married, Rethink This Idea…”

(2) A woman wrote to the Rebbe that she wanted to get divorced from her husband. The Rebbe responded thus: “To preface: you got married according to halacha, with Sheva Brachos that have Hashem’s name in them. Hashem blessed you with children (the greatest blessing for a Jewish couple). Along with this one of the greatest Mitzvos was placed upon her (and her husband) — to raise them, educate them and bring them to the Chuppah in the best way possible, i.e., from a complete home.

As mentioned, this is her greatest delight (in this world and the next) and her main purpose and mission … Therefore: It is impossible that she will feel happy (even calm) if she will, chas v’Shalom separate from her husband.

Once the children are all married, she can rethink this idea. Being that this is the commandment of our holy Torah (from Hashem), it is certainly the true good and satisfaction.” (Likkutei Sichos Vol. 38 p. 189).

* * *

What Can Children Do?

The following is an answer that has a more direct response to your question:

“In response to your letter in which you write about the (negative) relationship between your parents: In these types of cases, it is important that your mother does not allow herself to be pulled into the fighting, even in matters that she feels that your father is completely wrong. When your father will see that your mother is not interested in fighting, his desire to continue fighting will lessen over time. It is also important that your mother ask some of your fathers friends — ensuring that your father will not know that it came from her — to improve his attitude towards his wife…. It is understood that this is in addition to the fact that the sons and daughters will talk to their parents — in a very respectful way — to better the relationship between them.”  (Igros, Vol. 18 p. 169; #6670).

[I feel that it is important to mention that I obviously do not know the age — or marriage status — of the girl that wrote the letter to the Rebbe, thus I would refrain from taking this as a general approach.]

When Close People Should Stay Away

Here is another letter with a point that must be taken into consideration, even if it is not exactly the same case:

“I find it particularly alarming that your sister, [who is having Shalom Bayis problems,] is presently staying in her parents’ home.

To our sorrow, we have clearly seen the disastrous results that can occur when other individuals mix into the affairs that should be strictly between husband and wife. This is the case even if those who intervene are very close to them.

(At times the intervention of those who are very close to one of the parties can more easily lead to damage than to healing. For inasmuch as they are so very close to one of the spouses, they [may very well instinctively and subjectively] side with that party. This [lack of objectivity] would not be the case when a total stranger intervenes.)

(Igros Kodesh, Vol. 5, p. 58; translated in Eternal Joy Vol. 3 p. 153)

The Moshiach Connection:

We all know, and the Rebbe brings this in many places, that Hashem allows his name to be erased (in the waters of the Sota) to help maintain Shalom Bayis between a husband and a wife. The Torah also tells us (at the end of Parshas B’shalach) that Hashem’s name is not complete(ly revealed in this world) until we rid ourselves of Amalek. This will happen when we have the revelation of Melech Hamoshiach who will get rid of Amalek and build the third Beis Hamikdash.

I would like to share an interesting “vort” I heard from Rabbi Levi Garelick: The first Maamer of the Rebbe Rashab was “Kesser Yitnu Lecha” – appointing a king. The first Maamer of the Frierdiker Rebbe was “Reishis Goyim Amalek” – ridding ourselves of Amalek. The first Maamer of our Rebbe was “Basi Legani” – building the Beis Hamikdash.

Maintaining the peace in a Jewish home — which the Rebbe calls to be a Beis Chabad and a Mikdash Me’at — is surely an important catalyst to bring unity between Hashem and the world with the coming of Moshiach!

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