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Question: I’m in a very painful predicament. I have a son that was a very frum and inspired boy when he was a young teenager. Unfortunately, as he has grown older, he has drifted away from Torah observance. It hurts me alot to see him this way and it obviously affects our relationship. What is the Rebbe’s approach in situations like this?

Answer: I truly feel your anguish and pain and will bli neder daven and add some Tehillim for you and your son. The following are some of the responses of the Rebbe to people in similar situations:

Strengthen Your Own Yiras Shomayim…

1. “I am confirming the receipt of your letter about your son…I will mention him in my prayers as per the request of your letter.”

“Being that a Jew must do everything in their power according to the natural way, and then have full faith in Hashem that they will be successful, and being that especially in our times it is easier to have an influence on older children through their friends, you should try to find the right acquaintances that will continuously speak to your son (short and longer conversations) and they should not let up as this is a serious situation.

“Another point, and a primary one: Being that the Jewish people — especially those part of the same family — are like one body, it stands that strengthening one part of the body will strengthen the other parts of the body as well. Therefore, if the family, especially the mother, strengthens themselves in Yiras Shamayim, that will have a positive effect on those members of the family that need the chizuk most.” (Igros, Vol. 30 p. 109; #10,790)

“He’s a Big Boy…”

2. A frustrated mother came to the Rebbe at the Sunday dollars on 4 Tammuz 5751 (1991) and poured out her heart. Her son has chosen the wrong path, she said, which grieved her to no end, and all her attempts at talking him out of his behavior had been fruitless.

The Rebbe gently suggested a shift in her approach: “In today’s world, it is easier to affect a youngster through his friend influencing him than by his parents talking to him. “Often,” the Rebbe softly explained to her, “when youth are spoken to by their parents, they feel that their parents consider them to still be little children. “Therefore, it is advisable to find someone, other than his parents, to speak to a child.” (Zorea Tzedakos Matzmiach Yeshuos, Page 140)

Weaken Emotions, Strengthen Intellect 

I would like to share an amazing letter that the Frierdiker Rebbe wrote to a parent in a similar situation:

3. “In response to your letter about your son — that has begun straying from the path of Torah observance — it is self-understood that a father has a deep love for his son. Thus, seeing your son in this situation has a deep emotional effect on the father. However, every one of our actions — even though they are expressed through emotions — must be directed by mind and intellect. There are many times that we must weaken our emotions and strengthen our intellect.”

“We, who believe in Hashem and his Torah, know that in each and every Jewish person Hashem has given strength to their soul to be able to overcome any challenges that might come to affect them. This strength is deeply rooted in the Neshama and sometimes it is revealed through kindness and sometimes through strength (like when a tragedy happens to someone chas v’Shalom and they realize that Hashem is in control). Our request to Hashem is that this awakening should come through kindness.

“This deep-rooted strength and ability can be revealed through steadfast positive direction and kiruv. As every Jew has revealed good, we must work to find that good no-matter the situation the person may be in. You must find, and expand this good quality in the other person and that will enable the other person to get out of their negative predicament.” (Igros of the Rebbe Rayatz, Vol. 10 p. 408; #3721)

[The Frierdiker Rebbe goes on to elaborate how that particular father should deal with that particular son.]

The Moshiach Connection: 

The process of Yemos HaMoshiach, according to how the Rambam describes it (albeit not in definitive terms) begins with precisely the above goal — bringing peace between parents and children:

“Before the war of Gog and Magog, a prophet will arise to inspire Israel to be upright and prepare their hearts, as Malachi 3:22 states: ‘Behold, I am sending you Eliyahu the prophet.'”

“He will not come to [for anything other than]… establish peace within the world as ibid. 3:24 continues: ‘He will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children… [and the hearts of children to their fathers].”

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